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Pathways to Peace The movement is spreading across the country, gathering steam. Politicians, pundits and preachers have sounded the call to stop the Iraq War, take back democracy and create lasting peace. Losing our passion for warfare may not be an easy task, but there are paths to peace through nonviolence. A positive approach, based on cooperation and empathy, will allow this endeavor to succeed. As we rise above our personal self-interest and our right/wrong mentality and work together for positive change, we will find peace within ourselves, with our children and with our neighbors. It is with this intention we dedicate this issue of EW to the concept of nonviolence. Here we have space for just a few stories of hope, but there are many more to come. — Aria Seligmann
A
Language of Love Dammit! You left dirty dishes
in the sink again! Scene sound familiar? Admit it; you know it does. Let's reframe the preceding argument, using Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Here's how you might think it would sound: "I'm noticing the dishes in the sink and feeling overwhelmed and need a minute to just talk. Could you take a minute to talk to me about how we can do this dishes thing in a way that will work for all of us?" You're closer, but that may be a trap to use to get someone else to do what you want them to do. Imagine adding to the sentence, "If these dishes don't somehow end up getting done, you're not getting your allowance," or there may be some other sort of punishment, such as a guilt trip, or rejection. Nonviolent Communication, a process developed and refined over a period of 35 years by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg, provides a path to the deeper connection. Is our anger really about the dishes or do we want understanding about how our needs for cooperation, teamwork and support are not getting met? The outcome may not be getting the dishes done at that moment, but the need for understanding, for shared responsibility in the house, may become clear. The tension will dissolve, and the conflict will end. Ending conflict is the life work of Rosenberg, who grew up in a turbulent Detroit neighborhood. The quest for understanding violence led to Rosenberg's studying and earning his doctorate in psychology. But traditional psychology did not satisfy his desire to understand how to resolve conflicts among people, whom he believed to be inherently nonviolent. Rosenberg founded the Center for Nonviolent Communication in 1984, and has since traveled the world, holding NVC workshops and training others to do so. He is the author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life and Life-Enriching Education. He has worked with individuals, couples, corporations and nations. Recently, he was in Israel and Palestine listening to the concerns of people there. He has also had significant influence in the field of restorative justice, bringing together perpetrators and their victims to help them achieve mutual understanding. Rosenberg will be traveling through Oregon in early May, holding a series of workshops throughout the state. He'll hold two workshops in Eugene on May 7. Those workshops offer an opportunity for peace activists and others to get training in conflict resolution and to apply NVC on a personal level, as well. NVC centers around observations, feelings, needs and requests. For example: "I'm observing there are dirty dishes in the sink. I have already washed all of mine. I would like to make dinner, and I'm unable to do so without a clean sink. I'm feeling frustrated and irritated, because I have a need for order, respect and support. Would you be willing to help with the dishes?" By identifying our needs, which include basic needs such as food, shelter and water, interdependency needs such as understanding, trust, respect and support, or broader needs such as celebration, we can understand where anger, or any emotion, ultimately comes from. "All violence," says Rosenberg, "is the tragic expression of unmet needs." In order to check in with what emotions we or others are feeling and why, NVC requires us to slow down, in our speech as well as reactive tendencies, and consciously become aware of what we are experiencing. The techniques are not only suitable to interpersonal relationships, but apply to healing oneself, to working with contentious groups, such as gangs and police or labor and management, and ultimately can be used to resolve conflicts among nations. One of the basic concepts of NVC is adopting a "power with" rather than "power over" structure. Rosenberg points to the domination structure humankind has been living under for the past 8,000 years. From the parent/child relationship to political forces, that structure defeats every human's basic need for autonomy. But how are we to undo what's been ingrained in us for so long? Rosenberg, speaking from his home in Wasserfallenhof, Switzerland, says his approach is "radical." Beginning on the home front, he says, "get rid of the word 'child.' When I sometimes work with groups of parents I put half in one room and half in the other. Then we break down into smaller groups. We have a written role play of how they would communicate with someone who's borrowed something and hasn't returned it. One group is talking to a neighbor; the other to a child. The neighbor always gets more love and respect than the child." Rosenberg says it's that very domination system that makes it "really hard to see a child as a neighbor." That myopia can cut us off from connecting at a deeper level. Rosenberg recounts the time he came home from work, exhausted from having tried to mediate between street gangs and police in East St. Louis, Ill. "It was very hard. I walked in the back door and my kids were fighting. I said in NVC, 'I need peace. Will you be willing to postpone this war?' My eldest son said, 'Do you want to talk about it?' I thought how cute. In doing so, I dehumanized him. I was doing the same thing the street gang and police were doing: not seeing human beings in each other. Here this human offers listening to me in distress. I have him labeled my child." He accepted his son's offer of support, and says he "listened beautifully while I got out of my pain." Using the word "child" is fine for shorthand, he says, but "don't see the person as a child, or especially, as my child. Extend the same respect to children as to a 40 year old." The same "power with" model can be applied to the workplace, between management and labor. "In Switzerland, I coach people in the corporate area," says Rosenberg. "We're trained to tell managers to give praise and compliments every day, and research says productivity goes up. But it's only for a short time, until people sense the motivation behind it. That destroys trust in real gratitude." People want ownership over their jobs, and the power with model usually results in greater satisfaction as each individual achieves greater autonomy. Balancing that quest for autonomy with one's dependency needs is a dance. Rosenberg says, "We are interdependent; our well-being is one and the same. I can't benefit at your expense and you can't benefit at my expense." When people try to take advantage of others, or try to dominate them, violence occurs. From a child not wanting to go to bed to a nation striving for statehood, the needs are the same. "A couple of days ago I was in Palestine," says Rosenberg. "The concerns of people there are all about autonomy. They don't want others telling them what to do. Every day, everywhere, there are fights going on regarding this. 'Please get ready for bed.' 'I don't want to.' It's about autonomy — we can tell from the child's tone of voice." How we react to someone else's need for autonomy, which may come out as anger, is a matter of conscious choosing. By having empathy with the other and asking what they are feeling, we can help the anger dissolve. We can apply the same empathy to ourselves, in questioning what unmet need our feelings are resulting from. To do that, says Rosenberg, slow down and take your time. He says, "My son was 12 and had done something I didn't like and I was telling myself to take my time so I could respond to him in a way that I liked. Meanwhile, his friends were waiting. He said, 'Daddy, it's taking you such a long time to talk.' I told him, 'Here's what I can say quickly: 'Do it my way or I'll kick your ass.' He waited." Local NVC trainer and co-founder of the Oregon Network for Compassionate Communication (founded in September 2001 and sponsor of Rosenberg's visit), Michael Dreiling, a UO sociology professor, says NVC works by releasing people from criticism, blame and judgment, allowing them to connect with their own needs and those of others. "Thoughts such as, 'Things would be better,' or 'I would be happier if you would have taken the trash out, or Bush would get out of office,' can deny our own responsibility and state of being," he says. "Instead, we can create alternative possibilities for meeting our own and others' needs. Criticism and blame can dehumanize the people we're connecting with, by holding them responsible for our anxiety, fear, hurt, pain, sadness, or anger, turning them into an object that is to be controlled or manipulated so we can be relieved of our pain." NVC teaches that when we turn another human being into an object, "We've removed ourselves from the place of heart connection and having compassion for that human being and understanding why they might be doing what they're doing," says Dreiling. That objectification can also separate us from truly understanding our own needs and what Rosenberg says is "alive in us at that moment." That consciousness is what gets us out of the reactive trap and allows for deeper connection and understanding to occur at a heart level. NVC also gets us out of the co-dependent trap. By checking in with our own feelings and needs first, we don't give ourselves away in the process of trying to understand the other. In fact, the final part of NVC, the request, allows us to say "No" — nonviolently. "No, I can't do the dishes right now, because I have a need for safety, and with you standing there raging at me, I don't feel safe. So I'm going to walk away and take 10 minutes and then I'll come back and we can talk about this." In hearing that "no," says Dreiling, we can also hear a "yes." For example, "Yes, I'm choosing to meet my own needs for safety, and yes, I am willing to resolve this matter, after my need for safety has been met." Notice the non-dish-doer did not escalate the matter by yelling back, by calling names, "Quit yelling at me, you jerk," or increase the violence against himself by feeling guilty or allowing himself to be manipulated. "The 'I'm feeling hurt and you're the cause' mentality, or 'You're feeling hurt and I'm bad because I'm the cause' mentality is so prevalent in our culture it is difficult to undo," says Dreiling. And it creates a cycle of violence, from domestic violence to community disputes to international warfare, that NVC can get us out of. In fact, NVC reminds us that we have a deep need to nurture each other, to give, to care for others — what Rosenberg calls serving life. "There's nothing more enjoyable or natural for we human beings than contributing to life and in seeing our power used for life," says Rosenberg. "It's not based on an abstract belief, but on the innate goodness of people. I've asked children or adults what you did that made somebody's life more wonderful. Now how did it feel when you realized you have that impact? I've asked in Africa, Asia, and the U.S.: Does anyone know anything that feels better?" When we get beyond the image of the other as enemy, be it a family member, co-worker, neighbor or nation, and check in with what the other is needing, says Rosenberg, "Conflicts are resolved." Marshall Rosenberg will hold two workshops in Eugene on May 7 at Unity of the Valley Church, 3912 Dillard Rd. Basic Theory and Practice of Nonviolent Communication 8:30 am-12:30 pm, $80-$40 ss; and Nonviolent Communication For Personal Growth and Healing, 2-6 pm. $80-$40, ss. Registration preferred. Register at www.orncc.net,or call (503) 450-9909. A free introduction to Nonviolent Communication with Michael Dreiling and Lisa-Marie DiVincent will be from 7-9 pm, Friday, April 30, in the EWEB Public Conference Room.
Taking
Flight Seven-year-old Donna Drews backbends into a flip, turns around and does a perfect cartwheel, landing into graceful form on the living room carpet. A few minutes later, she and 5-year-old brother Jonah are jumping on the trampoline in the backyard. It's a typical Sunday, and as their adoptive mother, Meleah Drews, takes care of two foster children who, along with dad, Jim, round out the family, the children are constantly reminded and encouraged to treat each other with respect, be mindful of their own and the others' safety needs, and use appropriate language and actions with each other. The Drews are creating a new paradigm: a family of children rescued from households where they knew violence, and raised in an atmosphere of love and peace that will break that cycle. Like the nearly 1,000 children neglected or abused annually in Lane County (2003 figures cap off at 958 reported), Donna and Jonah were removed from their biological mother's home and placed in foster care. The children had suffered physical abuse and neglect. Repeated attempts to rehabilitate their mom, who suffered from drug addiction, failed. She was offered parenting classes and drug treatment programs, but other factors in her life affected her ability to see those commitments through. Donna and Jonah have different fathers, and neither were in the family picture. The two were placed in a few different foster homes, and previous foster parents tried to be very strict with them, which didn't work. But these kids weren't easy. On a scale of 1 to 10, easiest to most difficult to deal with, both children were classified an "8." The Drews wanted a large family, but weren't able to conceive easily. Rather than go through extensive and expensive fertility testing and treatments, they chose to become foster parents, keeping the idea of permanent adoption open. Both had experience working with children, and wanted to merge their vision of having a large family and helping kids. They attended training classes at LCC and became certified to take in two children. Just months after they completed their certification, in autumn of 2000, they were matched with Donna, 4, and Jonah, 2. In July 2001, their mother relinquished custody and the Drews adopted them in May 2002. The children were considered "high needs." Donna was "loud," according to Meleah, and definitely the boss. "She was like Jonah's mother, telling him everything to do," she says. Donna was aggressive and violent. In her room she put all of her Barbie Dolls into the corners facing the walls because they were "bad," she'd tell her mom. She regularly hit her little brother. Jonah had no concept of pain. "He'd fall down and hit his head hard and not even cry," says Jim. The children would awake often at night with nightmares and visions of monsters. They'd play one of their favorite games, "It's time to move again." Despite the difficulties, Jim and Meleah worked with the children, establishing an emotional, heart connection through the use of Nonviolent Communication techniques. Jim has helped Donna to develop an expanded vocabulary list of needs and feelings, so that Donna can express herself without resorting to hitting. If Jonah lashes out at her, rather than hit back, Donna can say, "That made me feel scared. I have a need for safety." Jonah will repeat back to her what she said to show he understands. As Jonah began to feel safe, he began to relax and "this sad little boy came out," says Jim. At the final visit with their birth mother, Donna informed her, "Guess what, Mommy, I'm a good girl now." Today, both children are homeschooled by their dad, with extracurricular activities such as dance, gymnastics and music woven into their day. Jonah needs lots of time for "big outlets of energy," says Jim, and once he's had them, he can sit and read a book for an hour. Donna needs lots of time in her imagination so she can then start writing one of her many stories. She excels as sports, and she wants to be a lawyer one day. Both the children, who at first wouldn't let anyone touch them, are outgoing, loving and affectionate. With their two younger foster brothers, they form a very tight-knit family. The Drews have formed a non-profit called Children Rising. It will include a facility large enough to house more children and allow mentors and teachers to work with the children on site. The concept would fill in gaps in the foster care system, which does not have enough families to meet the needs of the number of children in the system. In Oregon in 2003, there were 11,086 children in 4, 450 foster homes. In Lane County in 2003, there were anywhere between 301 and 500 family foster homes at any given time serving approximately 1,400 children, according to Oregon Department of Human Services. Despite the lack of homes, DHS Communications Officer Patricia Feeny says DHS "never really puts out a so-called quota because we want quality foster homes." She adds that even if DHS would like to have 500 foster homes ideally, they don't have the resources to certify that many. "If we recruit and get two or three families, that's great," she says. But foster parents are lost when they adopt the children. And they do adopt more now. In 1997, the federal government passed the Adoption and Safe Families Act, to keep children from languishing in foster care for long periods of time. "Plan A is to get the parent rehabilitated and the child back home. If that is impossible, Plan B is to get the child placed in a permanent home," says Feeny. Many people have considered taking in foster children, either temporarily or possibly leading to adoption, but are unsure of placing a foster child in school or childcare where their needs might not be met. The idea behind Children Rising is to create a safe place where parents could bring those children to be cared for and educated in a setting that addresses their needs while working to decrease the tendency toward violence they may have known all of their lives. Mentors, or older teens, will help out with the younger ones, thus serving their own needs for healing and growth. Currently, the Drews are looking for a site to house a facility and playground for their children and others. "We want to model a new way to communicate with each other and a safe place to do so," says Meleah. Jim adds, "We want them to soar." For more information on Children Rising, see www.childrenrising.orgor e-mail childrenrising@yahoo.com
May
Day
He's become a quiet hero, a man who has turned his pain into a cry for truth. Fernando Suarez del Solar, the father of a U.S. soldier killed in Iraq, is on a nationwide tour to speak out against the war in Iraq. He speaks at 8 pm May 1 at Cozmic Pizza. On March 27, 2003, Fernando's son, Jesus, died while fighting in Iraq. The military told his family that Jesus died from gunshot wounds in battle, but they later discovered that Jesus stepped on a U.S. cluster bomb and bled to death in the remote Iraqi desert near Diwaniya. He left behind a wife and a 1-year-old son. Since then, Fernando, 48, who immigrated from Tijuana with his wife and children in 1997, worked at a 7-11 store and delivered newspapers, has been traveling around the country with Military Families Speak Out (MFSO) and Global Exchange calling for the withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq. Like his son, Jesus, many lower income and minority young men and women are being recruited into the military to wage its campaign. The military spends approximately $11,000 per recruit convincing them to join. Of those minority recruits, who comprise approximately one third of the armed forces, fewer than 20 percent will become officers. Many of the students are high school and college age. Most of the students sign up for the prospect of college tuition. Yet, of the "$50,000" often promised by recruiters for college, less than 6 percent of recruits get the full amount and only up to 50 percent get part. In addition to tuition, the military promises technical training and in turn, high-wage jobs upon completion of duty. Yet those promises are seldom met. Only 12 percent of men and 8 percent of women report learning a skill that transferred to civilian life. In 2000, there were more than 421,000 unemployed vets. The military also promises a comprehensive benefits package, but in that same year, 72 percent of veterans believed their pension was unfair. That was before the Iraq War. Now, recruits may get no benefits if they come home in a body bag. The Committee for Countering Military Recruitment (CCMR), a local organization that is an arm of both Eugene Peaceworks and CALC, is sponsoring Suarez's visit. CCMR offers information to counter the false promises the military is making to students, including alternative ways to pay for college. CALC's Carol Van Houten visits schools in Lane County at the same time military recruiters are there to offer such information. Like the military branches, she arrives with banner and brochures to hand out. In addition to information on college financing, Van Houten offers information on AmeriCorps and Job Corps, as well as how to talk to military recruiters, and information on the delayed entry program. Van Houten says many people are unaware of the fact that between the time they sign the recruitment contract and before they go to boot camp, it's "very easy to get out of it," even without giving much of a reason. However, once a recruit has been to boot camp, "this is the only job you can't resign from," she says. Once you've sworn in, says Van Houten, "You're in military justice and it's very difficult to get out." She adds that's one of the "key things we want people to know and not everybody does." Some recruiters will be relatively honest, she says, but some are not. For example, some will write into a contract that you might be stationed in Portland, when once you're in, you can be shipped anywhere. Almost all young people say they sign up because they want to go to college, and some have some patriotic feelings, says Van Houten. "If someone really has thought about it and really wants to make the military their career, we're not going to talk them out of it, but for those who think this is the only way they're going to get a life," Van Houten says CCMR can offer some alternative ideas. "Once you're in, you're in. You are an item, you are a GI, general inventory. They have to do what they have to do to accomplish their goals. It's not for the recruit's benefit," she adds. In addition to Fernando's talk, CCMR is sponsoring a "Stop the Violence" poster-art contest "to help youth to develop a political critique of the violence inherent in a culture of war and the controversial means by which the military fills its ranks." Students' work will be shown and prizes will be awarded. Dance music by Azuquita follows the talk. A performance by Joanie McGowan precedes the event. See accompanying story.
Still
Saving the World
Stop playing the blame game, have a good laugh, and go out and save the world. That's the message Ashland playwright Joanie McGowan is bringing back to Eugene through her play, It's Never Too Late To Save the World, at 7 pm Saturday, May 1 and Sunday, May 2 at Cozmic Pizza. Formerly titled Rude Awakening, McGowan's play opened for Molly Ivins at the McDonald Theatre last October. She has since added new material to the show, including an opening piece titled "Vote! It's Sexy!" and a new closing for the show that includes bizarre, yet practical, steps we all can take to save the world. McGowan will also present the world premiere of her new stand-up comedy routine at 3 pm Sunday, May 2 at Tsunami Books. Using articles from the newspaper to inspire people to "start living like we've been talking about living since the summer of '69," she calls her routine "reminiscent of Mort Sahl channeling Joan of Arc." Tickets are $7 for It's Never Too Late to Save the World, advance ticket purchase is available at Tsunami Books. Proceeds from the Saturday performance will benefit the Kitty Piercy campaign, Sunday's performance will benefit the Bonny Bettman and Betty Taylor campaigns. The play is family friendly. McGowan's performance at Tsunami Books is a fund-raiser for the Bettman campaign and for McGowan's national tour. It is free, but donations will be accepted. The Sunday show at Tsunami contains adult themes and language.
Unapologetic
Arianna
The Oregonian dropped political pundit and former California gubernatorial candidate Arianna Huffington's column in January 2003, telling readers, "She has dragged herself across the line from being a commentator to being an activist." So, where's that line, anyway? Huffington isn't sure, either. "I believe the journalists I admire the most are those I call 'crusading journalists' like Upton Sinclair," she says. "It's very hard to write without taking action because ultimately you want to change America. For me, that means using every means at my disposal. Writing, speaking, organizing, taking action. That's the way I intend to spend the rest of my life." Huffington's recent book, Fanatics and Fools: The Game Plan for Winning Back America, is equally unapologetic. In it, she points out the foibles, gaffes and downright crimes of those within the Bush administration. That's not unlike many other books on the market these days. In fact, if you're a political writer, the past four years have been dream material. But Huffington goes further. In the final chapter, she outlines her "New Contract for a Better America," a 10-step approach to being better, that includes a call to achieve energy independence, reform the healthcare system, revitalize education, restore integrity to the political process, and put people above corporations. "The heart of the book is the final chapter, which offers a winning strategy to move beyond the attack on failed Bush policies and offer solutions and do so in a visionary frame," she says. "It's not a laundry list of policies, because the American people won't connect with that." One of Huffington's pet peeves is hearing statements about what the American people think. Since the 2000 presidential elections, "I'm tired of hearing we're a country divided because that excludes the 50 percent who didn't vote," she says. "In fact, we're 25-25." Despite the recent successes of voter registration drives throughout the country, Huffington says getting that other 50 percent signed up is only half the battle. "The other half is making sure they actually vote." History shows that high voter registration does not always translate into high numbers at the polls. Huffington believes to do so, it's important to appeal to people's idealism. "I love it that Kucinich is sticking to his progressive ideals," says Huffington, but she thinks he "could have more influence at this stage if he endorsed Kerry and campaigned within the party to influence the agenda." And she believes that's important, though in 2000, when she organized the Shadow Conventions and voted for "none of the above," she felt differently. "I was very dissatisfied with the two parties but now there is such a clear and present danger in George Bush, which was not the case in 2000 — we didn't know he'd turn into such a fanatic." As she tours the country promoting her book, Huffington hears from people over and over how hard times are and how the economy has affected them. They are worried about the war. She hopes Kerry will remember his Vietnam testimony, and harken back to the leader he was then to sound the call to remove troops from Iraq. "When your house is on fire, you must first put it out. That means getting Bush out of the White House," she says. One way to do that is to limit corporate contributions. Oregon is one of only six states without campaign finance regulations, and Huffington will talk about that when she's in Eugene on May 6. Initiative 53 is a progressive step toward changing that, by placing strict and comprehensive limits on political contributions. Although she calls it a "great first step," Huffington says that ultimately, "only public financing can ensure we get the corrupting influence of money" out of policy making. Huffington will appear in Eugene on May 6 for an 8 pm lecture at the McDonald Theatre and a 6 pm dinner at Café Paradiso as a benefit for Initiative #53: Campaign Finance Reform For Oregon. Lecture tix at Tsunami Books, the Book Mine, and UO ticket office. $10, stu $8. Dinner tix available at Café Paradiso or the Money Is Not Democracy Office, 341-4909. $35-75, ss, includes lecture ticket.
Becoming
Involved Peter Ackerman and Jack DuVall, in their book A Force More Powerful, document many of the successes of nonviolent resistance during the 20th century, including its role in bringing down the Soviet Empire, the apartheid regime in South Africa, and the military dictatorship of General Augusto Pinochet in Chile. Ackerman and DuVall note: "It is often assumed that the choice of nonviolent resistance is made for moral reasons, but the historical record suggests otherwise. Most who used nonviolent action in the twentieth century did so because military or physical force was not a viable option. … Those who used nonviolent action in our stories did not come to make peace. They came to fight." Yet Mohandas Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. were moral visionaries. It could be argued that a commitment to nonviolence is central to any coherent vision of a moral future where all people are heard, have their needs and concerns addressed and are treated with dignity. A diversity of perspectives on nonviolence is reflected in the Eugene/Springfield community, where there are many groups committed to nonviolent methods of social change. I apologize for not being able to provide a comprehensive listing, but a few of these groups are listed below. Beyond War Committee in Solidarity with the Central American
People (CISCAP) Community Alliance of Lane County (CALC) Eugene Middle East Peace Group Eugene Peaceworks Friendly Neighbors for Peace Justice Not War Coalition Million Mom March Pacifica Forum Springfield Alliance for Equality and Respect (SAFER) Taxes for Peace Women's Action for New Directions (WAND) David Duemler is the secretary of Eugene Peaceworks, on the steering committee for JNW, and teaches psychology at LCC.
Statewide Action In addition to his Eugene appearance, Marshall Rosenberg will travel throughout Oregon holding workshops. Of note is the May 5 Restorative Justice Community Conversation with Rosenberg and Dr. Mark Umbreit, founder and director of the Center for Restorative Justice and Peacemaking, from 9:30 am - 3:30 pm at Willamette University, Mary Stewart Rogers Music Center, Salem. This is a day of dialogue on the principles and practices of restorative justice to heal the entire community. Global change agents, grassroots organizations, mediation professionals and government agencies will share their perspectives. This workshop is co-sponsored by ORNCC and the Dispute Resolution Center of Willamette University. See www.orncc.net for full details on this conference and Rosenberg's schedule. —AS |
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