Capture The Flag Let's win one from the Gipper. BY DAN CAROL Last week was textbook politics — by the other side. A week of patriotic imagery, revisionist history and deft electoral positioning, all executed at taxpayers' expense. No moaning or grousing from me, however. As a political professional I was just flat out impressed with how the Reagan crowd took their "moment" and really made it count. Give Michael Deaver & Company their due — those folks know how to tug at heartstrings. And progressives? Well, we sure know how to whine and complain about the rules of the game — as it is being played. Let me be blunt: I really, really don't like that. As a "coach" for the progressive movement, I was sorely disappointed by how our side handled the whole show last week. No one was more sickened by the Reagan gush-a-thon than me; trust me on that. But whining about how the media swooned over Reagan only fueled … more swooning. It made us seem small and Gipper's legacy bigger. Not good. So people, gather under the chalk board and listen up Knute Rockne, Notre Dame style: This cannot happen again. I am therefore treating last week as a useful training exercise in what not to do when the Bush team produces Osama bin Laden this October and the media goes nuts. When they do, your job is to simply be happy that there is one less terrorist running loose, while following these handy guidelines for dealing with patriotic moments — so that another global danger, George Bush, is removed from the game come Nov. 2. Easy enough? It can be. So let's review the playbook and the game films from Reagan week one more time: First rule people, get a grip on the big picture: Before letting Republicans ring your Pavlovian bell on any issue involving patriotism, take a deep breath first and think a little, for goodness sake. With Reagan, it would have been wise to remember that the last president who died was none other than Richard Nixon. Nixon the crook — not exactly a tough act to follow, eh! So not only was Reagan a lucky guy as president (he happened to be on duty when the bi-partisan work of six previous presidents brought down communism, he took office after Jimmy Carter and gas lines, he and Ollie North got off easy because hasty congressional investigators screwed up legal immunity on the Iran-Contra investigation), the Gipper lucked into some kind of cosmic, pent-up presidential hero worship for his final exit. What are ya gonna do — a big presidential send-off was inevitable. No reason to block and tackle something we can't stop. No reason at all. Let the Republicans overreach and get cocky: Does anyone remember the Houston Astrodome game from 1992 when the Republicans had their convention and let Pat Buchanan and a bunch of their kooks say what they really thought? They hung themselves with their own rope while we pulled the old Muhammad Ali rope-a-dope. We could have tried that with Reagan last week, but we didn't. But you can bet there will be another chance in this campaign, with Osama getting caught or something else the GOP tries to trumpet. I say: Let them crow. Let the media machine crank out overloaded hype. Have a little faith. The average American will figure this out and will get grossed out on their own — they will, I tell ya. Don't forget Newt Gingrich and the government shutdown of 1995. So let's not get in the way of the old Republican overreach. The only way we can screw it up is by whining rather than saving energy when it counts. Keep them out of the red zone of optimism: There's only one thing dangerous about last week. It's that the Republicans made some penetration into the zone of Hope. Give old Reagan his due — he aligned himself with American optimism, there's no denying it. That's Kennedy and FDR turf, our turf dammit, and the Gipper tried to take it back. That Texas boy Bush has been selling fear after 9/11, and we need to keep him in that squeeze. We'd better well not let him get into sweet spot. John Kerry is the guy we'll need to carry the ball on this hope thing, and the key game will be this summer at the Democratic convention. Capture the flag: But Kerry can't do this alone; here's where you come in, people. I know a lot of you players are down on the team right now, and you're not feeling so proud of wearing the colors — red, white, or blue. But this is a patriotic country and it's part of the game and we need to fight for our flag when right wingers are trying to hijack it for their purposes. So I expect to see a flag planted in the ground right next to every single Kerry yard sign. Starting July 4 and straight through to Nov. 2. Don't let the team down on this one, or expect extra laps, I assure you! We can win this one, people, in spite of the Gipper. Now get out there and do it! Dan Carol is a Democratic political strategist and a founding partner of CTSG (www.ctsg.com),a progressive consulting firm based in Eugene and Washington, D.C.   Just Desserts Civil unions lack nutritional value. By Sally Sheklow I've totally changed my mind about civil unions. Back when Vermont first offered up a steaming platter of separate and almost equal, my gal and I joyously hopped a cross-country plane to celebrate our friends' nuptials. We sang, we toasted the brides, we drenched our hankies. But now that I've sampled marriage equality, I'm hungry for the whole enchilada. I want my equal marriage rights and I want 'em now. I used to think that if they're serving civil unions, I should be grateful and take a helping. But civil unions have little nutritive value. Who wants synthetic, half-baked, marriage lite? Even with added medical benefits and bereavement leave, civil unions aren't marriage. They don't include scads of privileges and protections that come with real, aka legal, marriage. Regardless of how many equal-ish perks are rolled into a civil union serving, I wont be satisfied. Why settle for discrimination? Am I any less wedded than my het neighbors? How much morning breath, blanket hogging, and peculiar showering habits do I have to love, honor, and cherish before my relationship is legally equal? Come on — look at me and my domestic partner, cruising the aisles of the home improvement center, munching popcorn in front of the TV, wearing each others sweats — we are soooo married. Civil unions shouldn't even be on the menu. We're done with the appetizers. I hate to turn my back on a good hors d'oeuvre, but how can I be fulfilled with civil crudités when I see marriage flambée served to everyone else? I'm tired of watching hets scarf down the prime rib while me and my homeys gnaw celery sticks. We're not getting fed, just fed up. Luckily, millions of friends and allies support marriage equality. Even not particularly gay-friendly folks approve of us gays and lesbians taking vows, but for some dumb reason they don't want to call it marriage. Calling our commitments civil unions is more acceptable to a lot of people. Could the objection really be a simple matter of vocabulary? Can separate ever be equal? Call me a valley girl, but I don't THINK so! Consider the future. We are never going to get a classic hit song out of love and civil union, love and civil union, go together like a … what? Wine and communion? That's going to fly about as far as Sally Fields without her nun habit. Even if naming our marriages civil unions is a step up from no recognition at all, that strategy misses the point. It would be like calling a sizzling platter of shrimp scampi slaughtered sea-scavengers in churned bovine secretions. Who would eat that? While people argue over terminology, wannabe-married couples are getting impatient for equal helpings of health insurance, retirement benefits, tax exemptions and every single one of those 1,049 state and federal rights we've heard so much about. I'm sending marriage discrimination back to the kitchen to disintegrate under constitutional scrutiny like the sodomy laws did one year ago this month (yay!). If we keep shining the heat lamp of reason on it, you know marriage discrimination will melt away. As the Wicked Witch reminded Dorothy, all in good time, my pretty.   The route to freedom isn't straight. Ha ha. Queer people know that the way to our just desserts is to be out, visible and active. We have to keep being here, being queer and getting everybody used to it. I still come out at very opportunity, still share my wedding photos with friends, coworkers and the person in front of me in line at the post office. And I vote. We all know the marriage equality vs. civil unions debate is more than mere semantics. Discrimination is unappetizing. Prejudice is distasteful. Segregation is unsavory. Civil unions are looking tired and wilted on the serving tray. Bring on the feast. Writer Sally Sheklow and her wife dine out of wedlock in Eugene, Oregon. To support marriage equality visit www.dontamend.com
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