Hiding Out Beneath currents of guilt and confusion BY SCOTT THIEMANN I grew up the oldest child in a middle class suburban family, involved in church, doing well in school, pursuing dreams similar to most teenagers. I was almost too normal. Except for one big secret. Exploring the hidden me entailed shrewd timing in the form of many short visits to the city library. Pulling out the card catalog drawer, turning it away so the librarian couldn't see the books I was looking up. Writing down numbers without titles on small scraps of paper, meaningless to anyone not a librarian. Memorizing a title, matching it to the Dewey Decimal number, removing the book, hiding in the carol protected by its mini-walls. Digesting all the words possible within my daily time limit, not letting the librarian see me replacing the forbidden book on the shelf. The next day I retrieved the same book, absorbing what I could during another limited, time-precious sitting, replacing the book and continuing the cycle daily until finished. Repeating this process, I devoured numerous books and magazine articles until I had completely convinced myself — the hidden me growing exposed, like tree roots that were securely buried gradually becoming visible, now jutting outward from a once-solid bank with water lapping in waves of self-discovery and underlying currents of guilt and confusion. As I exited the library one fateful day, making my pilgrimage homeward, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was homosexual. I said the word out loud. There was no turning back. How could a 16-year-old be so self-aware, when nothing around him reflected such a possibility? Was I the only one in my high school of over 2,000 not attracted to the other gender?   With no role models, no context for making sense of being other-than-heterosexual, and the American Psychiatric Association determining that I didn't have a mental illness or disorder, I made it through — as have many of your children, your brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, various relatives and friends. Although the process of discovering one is not heterosexual may not be quite as lonely an experience today, having available resources and people aware and sensitive to such a reality can make a big difference in the quality and potential of the life of a young person who feels like a round peg in a square hole regarding the world of sexual attractions and relationships. Such support could even provide the means for a child or teenager to make it through their adolescence alive. Scott Thiemann's column has been running for several months in the Port Orford News, but was recently canceled due to advertiser pressure. His columns and commentaries have also run in the Brownsville Time and the Brookings Pilot.
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