Nature Girl People are animals, too. BY SALLY SHEKLOW "Because it's not natural." That explains (term used loosely) why we should change Oregon's Constitution to ban gay and lesbian couples from legal marriage.     According to Constitutional Amendment 36 campaign literature (another loosely-used term), nature never intended two men or two women to do what a man and a woman do — such as unfairly divide housework. Real marriage as nature intended is suitable for only one type of couple — no girlie men, or, we can infer, manlie girls — allowed. The "natural way" (aka their way) is the only way, they say. Nature never intended for human beings to marry someone of their own sex. Neither did nature intend people to drive cars, wear socks, or eat Cheez Whiz, but that's another matter. Amendment 36 proponents disregard the scientific proof that lots of nature's creatures like to pair up with their own kind. Among nature's un-natural creations — animals with a proclivity for same-sex coupling — are the macaque monkeys, chinstrap penguins, bonobo chimpanzees, and fruit bats. Other critters known to hang at nature's gay bar include dolphins, elephants, goats, guinea pigs, gorillas, orangutans, sheep, vultures, cardinals, ostriches and flamingos — some of which mate for life, which is more than you can say for most heterosexual humans. The list of nature's creations engaged in un-natural acts extends even to insects, notably burly female fruit flies and sissy male bed bugs. You don't have to go that deep into the animal kingdom to find nature's own straying from the one-man, one-woman path. Look no further than our best friend. Yes, the beloved dog, often human's main link to the natural world, is, in some cases, a true "friend of Dorothy" — and we're not talking Toto.   Take the case of Jacqui, a perfectly natural pure-blood French poodle. This silver-grey beauty, intended by her owners for breeding, would have nothing to do with the boys. When Jacqui came into heat she wanted to hang with other female dogs — whom she referred to as "my peeps." Male dogs — not known for their ability to suppress their natural instinct — came around and the bitch (single entendre intended) raised her hackles, snarled, and bared her teeth. When that didn't get rid of her clueless suitor, she chased, cornered and nearly shredded him. When her humans imposed breeding (aka the heterosexual lifestyle) on the little bulldagger, Jacqui attempted escape. Asserting the right to live as her own nature intended Jacqui is said to have pulled out her doggie cell phone and called the ACLU. Despite the unequivocal fact that nature made Jacqui — and bedbugs, and The Village People — we still have misguided humans trying to impose a gay marriage ban on the grounds that it's unnatural. Measure 36 wants heterosexual-only marriage carved into constitutional stone. Apparently they can't tolerate the notion that some wedding couples might not look like the cake-top decoration. In their eyes only heteros are deemed fit by nature itself to marry the person with whom they plan to share life's path — and expenses. Only male-female couples should be entitled to insure their spouse under company policy, make life-saving medical decisions for each other, and comment on the bizarre changes aging wreaks on their spouse's body. Heterosexual marriage, they've determined, should remain the only kind of marriage that is state-sanctioned and constitutional. Otherwise we'd have utter chaos where every couple who feels like it could go right out and promise to care for one another forever. Fine fix that would leave us in, everybody equally contributing to the 50 percent divorce rate. Unless unequal treatment for gays and lesbians is voted into our Constitution, Amendment 36 supporters reason (really, really loose term), the natural order will be so disrupted that we face the destruction of "traditional marriage." Are they afraid that marriage equality will invalidate their picture-perfect fantasy where all marriages are the same and everyone votes however their pastor tells them to? What's so natural about that? To volunteer to help the No on 36 campaign call 344-2811. Writer Sally Sheklow teaches writing at LCC Downtown Center.
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