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Weddings Guide for 2005
Weddings
and Chaos Theory
If the devil is in the details, when it comes to the "big day," Satan must be living large. Details have never been so important nor so personal as on your wedding day. The music is carefully cued, the colors coordinated. Everything from the type of flowers to the placement of the napkins is planned. Everything is in its place. Enter the wedding chaos theory. With infinite possibilities of what could go awry, dealing with the unplanned and out of control is as much a part of weddings as all the forethought and planning. From ring bearers to toasts, from cakes to pictures, a wedding becomes unpredictable once set into motion. The keys to survival are flexibility and humor. "I've been to a lot of weddings and I always call it the wedding gremlin," said Dennis Overlandmiller of Creative Endeavors Photography.
Rowdy Ring Bearers At one wedding, the wedding gremlin took the form of the 2-year-old selected as the ring bearer. While walking down the aisle, the toddler began swinging the pillow around and the wedding bands flew into the air, falling among the seated guests. But the show must go on, so the bride and groom faked the ring exchange while they said their vows. After the ceremony the guests searched on their hands and knees for the bands. The prize for the person or persons who found them: first in the buffet line. It was a scramble. At another wedding, Overlandmiller was shooting pictures of a couple who married beneath a large oak tree at Wayne Morse Ranch. Their Labrador retriever had performed wonderfully at rehearsals the day before as the ring bearer, dutifully trotting down the aisle. But on the wedding day, the canine spotted a squirrel at the base of the tree and went after it. Fifteen minutes later, the dog was caught and the ceremony continued. Marlene Hockema, an event coordinator for Weddings Extraordinaire, watched as another young ring bearer decided to strip off his tuxedo right before walking down the aisle. As the pictures reflect, he wore his underwear to deliver the rings to the bride and groom.
Neither Rain, Nor Snow, Nor … On rare 100-degree days, Overlandmiller has seen both
cakes and brides melt in the heat. The women wore heavy, multi-layered
dresses at a renaissance-themed wedding and the men clanked around in
chain mail Kelly Passmore knows all about more serious wedding disasters. Flash floods and a tornado ripped through the area the day before her wedding in May 2004 in Spokane, Wash. On the big day, Passmore's ride to the country wedding site picked her up two hours late. Then a bolt of lightning struck right next to the car on a back country road, and the skies opened up. "It poured the day of the wedding — it was awful," she said. "We had rented a tent and crammed everybody underneath it." Instead of standing near the picturesque gazebo and waterfall as planned, 115 guests huddled in the shelter of the single tent. The pastor stood up front with the couple, rain streaming down his back throughout the ceremony. "If rain on your wedding day means good luck, then that day I got a whole lot of really good luck," she said. "Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong."
He'd Rather Be Fishing "Every wedding has something," Hockema said. "Some are more severe than others. Some you can cover up and laugh, and some turn the tide of the day." Minor things, such as a DJ who showed up to a reception down by a river without extension cords, have taught her to carry extras. At another riverside wedding, the groom was missing when the time came to take pictures. Hockema and others found him standing in the middle of the river — fishing. It wasn't funny at the time, but now Michelle Urso laughs about her wedding chaos. The UO journalism graduate student was married June 2004 in the coastal town of Yachats. The ceremony ran smoothly, but a dog bit Urso's ex-boyfriend (hmmm), and the food was two hours late. Someone forgot the sunscreen and the groom was so sunburned, he was an alarming shade of purple from his nose up. Try to fix that one in PhotoShop. But the highlight (or should that be low point?) of her wedding was unknowingly doing a striptease for her prim and proper mother-in-law. The bustier she wore was uncomfortably tight. Thinking she was alone in a hallway outside of the reception, Urso flung her dress over her shoulders and undid the pins one by one, tossing the bustier onto a table. Turning around, she realized her mother-in-law was standing behind her, frowning in disapproval. She flashed the dear lady a grin, spun around and rejoined the festivities.
One More Crisis Narrowly Averted Let's not forget the unsung heroes who save the day. Most caterers have countless stories of wedding mishaps. But we rarely hear about their wedding triumphs. For example, a server at one local catering company dove like a baseball player sliding into home to save the cake as the table collapsed. Another caterer opened the cake box to put on the final touches only to discover a melted pile of icing. The baker, trying to save time, transported the cake before it had cooled and the entire structure had collapsed. The caterer called the baker and had another cake delivered immediately. It arrived in time, and as she was putting the final touches on the new one, the bridal party walked in. The bride never even knew. So brides and grooms, caterers, planners and photographers alike, whether you were spared the knowledge or experienced it first hand, wedding disasters occur in all shapes and sizes. But it's surviving them that matters. Maintaining a sense of humor helps. A selective memory, too. After all, what's the first day of a couple's life together without a few bumps in the road?
Timeless
Traditions A newly married couple departs the church in a car bedecked with soup cans tied onto the bumper, horn blaring. A bridesmaid tosses petals on the ground in front of the bride. It's all tradition, with a capitol "T." But why? Where do these strange customs come from?
Many of the wedding traditions we take for granted today have rich histories going back thousands of years. Celebrating a wedding with noisemaking dates back to ancient China, where people believed exploding fireworks repelled evil spirits. Many cultures embrace noisemaking to ward off demons. In the U.S., newlyweds honored those traditions, even if they couldn't light fireworks. The Western tradition of bell ringing comes from this Chinese idea, and explains why bells are a popular wedding motif. The old adage "tying the knot" actually refers to the Celtic ritual of handfasting, where the couple's hands were literally tied together during the marriage rites. Modern brides follow the Victorian saying by wearing "Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue." This tradition originated with the Israelites, whose brides carried something "old" from a family member and wore blue to symbolize faithfulness, purity and love. Some modern African American couples jump over a ceremonial decorated broom. This emulates an African tradition of using a broom to sweep away evil spirits. But the practice dates even further back. Kenyan couples crossed wooden sticks during their weddings to call upon the natural life force found in trees. African slaves brought the practice to this country. Flower girls trace back to England. Brides strolled down paths strewn with flower petals to symbolize a smooth and easy experience during marriage. If you're Greek, you might break a plate at your wedding. The origins of this are murky, but some folklorists believe it is a spontaneous expression of kefi, or "spirit of joy." Of course, sometimes plates get broken during violent or angry outbursts, so controlled plate-breaking may have been a way to impel evil spirits away from the wedding, tricking them into believing the occasion was not a joyous one. Either way, plate-breaking is officially discouraged in Greece now due to the dangers of flying shards. Today Greek establishments catering to wedding parties must be licensed to allow the practice. In this country it's difficult to find a caterer or venue that permits it. If you adopt this practice, remember: It's plate-breaking, not plate-smashing. It is considered discourteous to pick up pieces of a broken plate to further break them, or to throw plates (even in jest) at a person or wall. The accepted way to break a plate is to hold it out and drop it to the floor. This rite is very similar to the Jewish practice of breaking a glass, which, again, is done with decorum. The delicate glass is wrapped in a towel and gently crushed underfoot. This is a poignant reminder of the fragility of life and isn't meant to be a destructive act. Traditional marriages between two Hispanic/Latino people
are typically performed as part of a full Catholic mass. One tradition
modern couples frequently honor is the arras, recalling the Moorish
tradition of paying the bride's family. Thirteen gold coins are placed
in a small, decorative chest or box. The coins symbolize the Of course, you don't have to be born into a specific culture to admire its ceremonial traditions and incorporate them into your modern wedding. Sometimes the most memorable moments are when you adapt a meaningful tradition in a way that makes it personal for you. One couple I know who have visited Italy many times modified a traditional ancient Roman ceremony and spoke their vows in Latin, though they are not of Italian heritage. One custom we probably won't be seeing in the modern wedding ceremony is the Slovakian tradition of the bride seizing a broom and spontaneously dancing a polka with it to symbolize her joy at assuming the role of housewife. Whatever tradition you incorporate, have fun making it meaningful and personal to you.
Naked
Women and Male Bonding The bachelor party is a rite of passage. For many heterosexual men, getting married means giving up an old way of life in favor of a new one. The bachelor party (and in effect the best man, who traditionally is responsible for throwing the bachelor party) bears the responsibility of providing one final huzzah for the groom-to-be.
At many bachelor parties of the heterosexual type, strippers are just part of the equation. It is not a phenomenon inherent or limited to straight men. But it is accepted, sometimes with complete blessings, sometimes begrudgingly, by the wife-to-be as the groom's last opportunity to see another woman in the nude. "I could care less," explains Kathryn Badger, a 21-year-old bachelorette with wedding plans for next fall. "I trust that he (her fiancé) is not going to think a stripper is more attractive than me and then not want to get married." The Hot Body Club is a popular stop for many men preparing to tie the knot. Their bachelor party package includes a four-girl stage show accompanied by a Polaroid and T-shirt commemorating the occasion. You can walk into the Hot Body Club almost any night of the week and witness a young bachelor on stage, sitting on his hands, as four beautiful girls dance seductively around him. "It's their last shot at freedom," explains Rico, the manager of the Hot Body Club. "It's hard to get out when you're married." Featuring a female stripper at a bachelor party is an opportunity for a heterosexual man to exert his sexuality one final time in a professional, controlled environment, before committing to his spouse. A strip club is a business after all, and strippers, whether you see them at a club or hire them privately, are professionals. Putting aside social constructs though, the female stripper does not have to be the last bastion of guy's night out. For example, the best man could round up the bachelor's posse and play paintball. Rent equipment at places such as Paintball Palace. Las Vegas is another popular option sometimes chosen by upwardly mobile bachelors. But the jaunt to Vegas often involves strippers as well. Hair stylist David Wilson, owner of Hair by David, describes himself as a "universalist" when it comes to love and said having a female stripper at a bachelor party is one of the few ways heterosexual men know how to bond. "They need a stripper because they're really fantasizing about each other," Wilson said. "It also masks true conversation issues." I personally have the honor of being the best man for an old college buddy of mine. I don't fantasize about him, but the night will incorporate a professional female dancer. In addition, I figured because he performs in a local punk rock band, what better way to pay homage to his rock and roll bachelor days than through a punk rock concert culminating in a roast by other local punk luminaries. I am proud of that idea. I'm adding the stripper solely out of good form. Marriage, partnership, promise ceremony — call it what you will. When it's something that's supposed to be for the rest of our lives, we men do rely on each other in our final days as bachelors, despite the communication barriers in place that make it harder for us to express ourselves. It's really more about bonding than naked girls. The bachelor party ensures that through marriage, your male friends will always be there for you.
Just
Dessert? "How tall is he?" I asked, repeating her question, completely confused. "Yes," responded the woman taking my order for a wedding cake. "And how tall are you? And will you be wearing heels?" She went on, and on. These were not questions I had expected to have to answer. But the Cake Police, as we'll call her, wanted to know. She also wanted to know the name of the caterer, the band, the florist, where the food would be served and more.
I had come prepared with a different set of answers: almond poppyseed, 180, July 26. Obviously, I had no idea how complex the cake was. It required a reservation at least six months in advance, two days of setup, coordination with the florist, planning of the photographs and a contract. I thought it was just a dessert. But look into the wide world of bridal magazines, websites, books and the million other places one is supposed to go for advice on these matters, and it's immediately clear that a wedding cake is a complex beast. Cake designers offer models and sketches. Planners offer explanations of traditions passed through the centuries: old symbolism behind the towering layers, the first slice, the feeding of one another. Medieval English brides and grooms had to kiss over a tower of sweet rolls, symbolizing wealth and plentiful children, without knocking it over. A typical groom in ancient Rome broke a loaf of bread over the bride's head to symbolize deflowering her. Simultaneous slicing and feeding each other has come to symbolize the team effort in marriage, the bounty to come, the support each spouse will offer the other. As it is in all things wedding, these supposedly helpful resources also offer checklists, timelines and the admonition that your cake should be the perfect representation of your Personal Style. There is a reason why a traditional wedding cake is such a production: It's not just a dessert. It's not just a wedding symbol. It's not just a photo opp. It's all of those things, plus a massive logistical effort on the part of the cake handler. Decorative arts notwithstanding, cake people have to balance refrigeration and display, coordination with florists and caterers, and a host of other niggling details. All that in addition to the semi-heroic feat of assembling a cake that is not only 3 or 4 feet tall with columns and flowers and who knows what else, but durable enough to survive it until you're ready to cut it. Let's not forget, it has to be edible too. Face it. Most wedding receptions are coordinated by people whose emotions are just a teeny bit heightened. Little logistical issues such as a slightly-melted cake decoration, a poorly-sited spot for cutting, or a cake that arrives at the reception as everyone's leaving, can become fraught with meaning when it's the Big Day. It's a lot to manage. So it's no wonder that the cake and its associated parts can end up costing more than $1,000. But alternatives abound. What if you don't want to pay $10 per slice for every person at your wedding, knowing full well that many won't even touch their plates? How does the almighty Personal Style translate into dessert for 100? What if you're not even sure that you want cake? The alternatives are vast, and a good cake person (or caterer) will help you explore them. Order a small, fabulous single-tier for you and your sweetie to cut in public while the caterer dishes out sheet cake for your guests from behind the scenes. Up on a pedestal and decorated well, a small cake can be just as lovely. Or have a tower of cupcakes, or chocolates, or éclairs, or chocolate-chip cookies. The good news is, it's your wedding and you can do whatever you want. Just don't tell the Cake Police.
Crushed
Hopes It would be a small ceremony, nothing extravagant. Friends and family would come to Eugene from all over the country. The reception would be good, plain fun — perhaps everybody would gather at the bowling alley or the miniature golf course. But most importantly, Kate Weber would be able to pledge her love for her spouse in front of the people she cared about most, and in turn, receive their support.
That was what she wanted, but it didn't happen that way. Weber is gay, and marriage, briefly a possibility for gay couples in Oregon, is now illegal, according to the state. The passage of Measure 36 amended the state constitution so that only marriage between one man and one woman is valid or legally recognized. A majority of Oregonians who voted (56 percent) supported the measure, and it passed in Lane County by 59 votes, according to the Oregon Secretary of State website. For Weber and her partner, Jes Burns, the passage of Measure 36 hurt. They have a loving and supportive relationship, and Weber feels they deserve the same protection and rights as heterosexual couples. "We made sure that all the groundwork was there before making a long-term commitment," she said. "Every once in a while the topic of marriage would come up and resurface, especially when things were happening in Portland." On March 3, 2004, Multnomah County began issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples, in compliance with the Oregon Constitution. Weber called Burns from work to see if she wanted to drive to Portland that day and get a marriage license. They decided one afternoon wasn't enough time. They wanted to make plans, to do it right.
Besides, gay marriage seemed to be gaining the momentum of a powerful social movement, and Weber thought perhaps they could wait and marry in Lane County. She was wrong. On April 20 a judge ordered Multnomah County to stop issuing marriage licenses, even though county officials had already handed out close to 3,000. "It is the basic right of people to be fully equal participating members of a community," said Rebekah Kassell, the communications director of Basic Rights Oregon, a gay-rights activist group and a major opponent of Measure 36. "People deserve to live in a way of life that is free of fear and violence." The fight for same-sex marriage recognition is now playing itself out in the courts. The American Civil Liberties Union filed a lawsuit against the state on behalf on nine same-sex couples last spring. After several appeals, the case is now being tried in the Oregon Supreme Court. "We are trying to create a gateway with the right protection for same sex couples," said David Fidanque, the executive director of the ACLU of Oregon, in a December interview. He said he believes that Measure 36 should have no effect on the previously married, same-sex couples. For Weber, the passage of Measure 36 made her question the values of the Eugene community versus the state at large. "I was lulled into thinking it would pass by living in Eugene," she said. "It hit me harder than it would have living somewhere else." Despite the disappointment, Weber remains hopeful for the future. "My generation is far more progressive about this issue," she said. "The information is so radically different now than my grandma's generation. It's hurtful that some people don't see me as a person that loves another person."
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