Legal Strangers Now But the momentum of history is on our side. BY GRETCHEN MILLER We're not members of the country club after all. I was not really sure that I even wanted to join, but when they offered applications I jumped at the chance. Now I'm back outside. I'm still trying to sort out how I feel about it. It hurts to be excluded. We all learn that early in life, when a clique won't let outsiders play with them. Sometime we respond with tears, sometimes with anger, sometimes we say we didn't really want to play their stupid game anyhow. I feel a little of all three responses right now. Sarah and I obtained our marriage license from Multnomah County in March 2004 and were married here in Eugene, by our minister, along with a committed male couple, before 50 or so members of our church and dozens of other friends, supporters, members of our community. It was a glorious event. Being a mostly "in my head" sort of person, I was surprised by my deep feelings of relationship and belonging. The public affirmation of our commitment felt exhilarating, liberating, and loving. Many people, old and new friends and acquaintances, took the occasion to express their support for our family. The outpouring of support and affirmation has continued for a full year, up to and including the celebration last month of our 25th and first anniversary. I have been awed, humbled, and continue to be deeply appreciative of all the support we have received. It has far exceeded what would have been my wildest dreams, if I had even had time to dream during the two days we had to plan our wedding. It is humbling to realize that we are only one of thousands of same-sex couples sharing the experience, commitment and affirmation of marriage. We have been privileged to live through an amazing, indescribable event, one that overtook us like a force of nature and carried us along on an immense tide of goodwill. No court can take any of this away. My feelings include enormous gratitude for what the community has given us. But my feelings go beyond gratitude and are more complex. I can't forget the historical, patriarchal nature of marriage as an oppressive institution, which would give anyone second and third thoughts about joining it. But I also am well aware of the legal benefits of marriage that, at this time, are available in no other way. Sarah and I have raised three terrific boys. The youngest, and only one still at home, is finishing his junior year in high school. We used to be concerned about the lack of legal recognition for our family and tried to complete legal documents to substitute for the simplicity of a legally recognized marriage: wills, powers of attorney, health care directives, guardianship, legal custody, adoption. Our boys and the dozen or so other young people who have lived with us over the years know that we are a family. Nothing a court does can change that reality, but we were always concerned whether others would see it in case of urgent need. Our children are older and those concerns wane. I am still concerned for the thousands of other families that face those perils now, but I am thinking about new legal problems for us. When our children leave home and we have just each other, who will recognize that reality?   The law has a strong presumption that next of kin can make medical decisions and make all arrangements after death. Can our wills, medical directives, powers of attorney, and health care powers of attorney stand up to the socially and legally recognized onslaught of that legally recognized family? Perhaps, if we need medical attention at home, we will be well enough known to the providers that they will recognize our partnership. What if disaster falls somewhere else? With no legally recognized marriage, would unknown ER doctors and nurses or EMTs in a strange locale consider us family, or strangers? At least we now have a marriage certificate to carry with us, to take out and demonstrate what we have done to assure that our family is recognized, but once again, Sarah and I are legal strangers to each other. The struggle is never over. The Supreme Court opinion in the Li case did not touch the fundamental question, whether the Oregon Bill of Rights prohibits discrimination based on marital status in the recognition of legal benefits. Another lawsuit will be brought to raise that issue. Senate Bill 1000 was introduced in the Legislature this week to create civil unions in Oregon, so we could have the legal benefits of marriage without offending the religious beliefs of some of our neighbors. Eugene is again considering amending the human rights ordinance to include protection for transgendered people. All of these efforts need our support. The work continues. The atmosphere in which we live and struggle is much changed. We are far more "out" and more accepted than would have been possible a few decades ago. I continue to have faith that the course of social change is arduous but the momentum of history is on our side. As Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. wrote, "The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice." Gretchen Miller is a Eugene attorney, administrative law judge and adjunct professor in planning and public policy.
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