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Rebel
Yawn THE DUKES OF HAZZARD: Directed by Jay Chandrasekhar. Written by John O'Brien, based on characters created by Gy Waldron. Produced by Bill Gerber. Executive producers, Eric McLeod, Dana Goldberg, Bruce Berman. Cinematography, Lawrence Sher. Production design, Jon Gary Steele. Edited by Lee Haxall, Myron Kerstein. Costume design, Genevieve Tyrrell. Music, Nathan Barr. Starring Johnny Knoxville, Seann William Scott and Jessica Simpson, with Burt Reynolds, Joe Don Baker, Willie Nelson and Lynda Carter. Warner Bros. Pictures, 2005. PG-13. 106 minutes. If you've ever seen an episode of "The Dukes of Hazzard," the television show on which this piece of cinematic dreck is based, one of the first things you see in the movie will pain you: The Duke boys use the General Lee's doors. It looks all kinds of wrong to see the doors on that iconic car swinging open. Thankfully, this doesn't last long. Hazzard County's friendly neighborhood mechanic, Cooter (David Koechner), gets the General up and running after it takes a beating, but he doesn't have time to fix quite everything. (Strangely, he does have time to paint a Confederate flag on the car's roof, a clever little way to absolve the Duke boys of any responsibility for the image.)
Although those who just want to see Jessica Simpson in short shorts would doubtless disagree, there's only one puny reason to see this movie: It's a pop culture train wreck. Well, there's about half another reason in Johnny Knoxville, who plays Luke Duke with the same winking good ol' boy charm he displayed while being shot with paintballs or turned upside down in a Porta Potty on MTV's "Jackass." Knoxville has a strange sort of charisma, but it's not enough to rescue Dukes. Seann William Scott, of questionable American Pie fame, is harmless and borderline endearing as Bo Duke, who does all the driving and loves, really loves, his car. Pop tart/reality TV guinea pig/tabloid star Simpson has all the acting ability of a sixth grader in her first play — but hey, she sure looks great in those shorts! Which, as the movie makes quite clear, is her entire purpose: Simpson as Daisy just shakes her considerable assets at people and gets whatever she wants. Most of the time, anyway. Willie Nelson comports himself with unexpected dignity as moonshine-making Uncle Jesse. He also runs away with the best scene in the movie, reciting bad joke after bad joke as he chucks molotov cocktails at cop cars (Knoxville, behind the wheel of their stolen vehicle, spends the whole scene looking believably gleeful). Burt Reynolds, skin an uncomfortable shade of orange, seems almost like he knows the joke's on the audience. Kevin Heffernan has a goofy turn as a pantsless, paranoid bait-shop owner straight out of one of the wackier episodes of "The X-Files." The plot of The Dukes of Hazzard, such as it is, involves Boss Hog's sneaky capitalist machinations, which must be rooted out and then stopped by the Duke boys, who save the day and win the annual Hazzard County race, the name of which is apparently so unimportant it doesn't appear in the production notes. Along the way there are car chases (you bet the General jumps a creek), many yee-haws, hot chicks and an endless stream of one-liners in place of a script. Even worse than the one-liners are a few wink-nudge jokes and scenes that seem calculated to subvert any potential criticism of the film's Southern stereotypes. These jokes make for cringe-inducing moments; they have no place in the strange innocence of the Dukes' existence and seem to exist only as a weak grab at cultural relevance. It ain't workin', boys. The thing is, lowbrow movies packed with crude humor and crackpot plots can be damn funny. Some of them are even great. The Dukes of Hazzard, though it has moments of naïve charm and a small handful of laughs, is 106 minutes of your life you can't ever get back. Frankly, I'd bet on Owen Wilson's squashed nose that Wedding Crashers is a considerably funnier film. Sahara, now playing at the buck-fifty theater, was funnier, even if sometimes it didn't really mean to be. But you're probably better off renting "Jackass" episodes, Zoolander, Road Trip or any number of other goofy comedies written and made by genuinely funny people. Hell, you could rent Animal House and prepare for next month's World's Largest Toga Party in Cottage Grove. If you really can't resist the theoretical charm of Bo and Luke Duke, or Jessica Simpson in those shorts, you're better off waiting 'til Dukes hits Movies 12 and sneaking in a flask of Rebel Yell to spike your soda. Yee-haw!
Out
to the Ball Game BAD NEWS BEARS: Directed by Richard Linklater. Written by Bill Lancaster, Glenn Ficarra, John Requa, based on the film written by Bill Lancaster. Produced by J. Geyer Kosinski, Richard Linklater. Executive producer, Marcus Viscidi. Cinematography, Rogier Stoffers. Production design, Bruce Curtis. Edited by Sandra Adair. Costume design, Karen Patch. Original music, Richard Shearmur. Music supervisor, Randall Poster. Starring Billy Bob Thornton, with Greg Kinnear and Marcia Gay Harden. Team: Sammi Kane Kraft, Jeffrey Davies, Timmy Deters, Brandon Craggs, Ridge Canipe, Tyler Patrick Jones, Aman Johal, Troy Gentile, Jeffrey Tedmori, Kenneth Harris, Carlos Estrada and Emmanuel Estrada. Paramount Pictures, 2005. PG-13. 111 minutes. Foul-mouthed movie kids almost always amuse me because the novelty of cursing gives the little tykes pitch-perfect phrasing. Likewise, Morris Buttermaker (Billy Bob Thornton), the Bears' cussmaster and baseball coach, doesn't miss an inflection or a beat but rolls 'em out like an old hand at the fine art of cursing. Best of all, the team's unrelenting blue language feels just right for the sensibilities of this group of kids, most of whom would never get picked for a regular team and know it.
Morris, who kills pests for a living, is a morally challenged individual. He's certainly not above taking a bribe. He receives a mysterious envelope from one kid's mother, Liz (Marcia Gay Harden), a lawyer, to work with these uncoachables and turn them into a team. Formidable Liz sued the school and the league to create this team so all the children who wanted to could play, and she turns a blind eye to Morris's blatant boozing. She's trying to help her son, Toby (Ridge Canipe), but the poor kid is so overscheduled he doesn't know what he wants. After the movie was over, I was tickled to overhear a grandmotherly woman ask the 7-year-old with her, "Now wasn't that a good movie?" Raised in a hypocritical climate where certain words will get a person kicked out of school, the child may or may not have known how to reply. My expectations weren't high for the movie, but I was not disappointed. Because the film is a remake, many critics will waste your time telling you the differences between Thornton and Walter Matthau's performances or between how an actual baseball player, Sammi Kane Kraft, and actress Tatum O'Neal portrayed the Bears' ace girl pitcher, Amanda. Everybody does just fine, thanks. The jokes have transferred almost 100 percent from the original film, with only the curious updating of the Bears' team sponsor. In the older film, a bail bondsman pitched in and bought the team uniforms; now it's a gentlemen's club. The women who work in the club appear in full force for each game, serving as team cheerleaders and having a good time. It may be a stretch to imagine these women hanging out in the bleachers with all the town's upright and uptight citizens, but they add a bit of color to the game. Some of the kids stand out, notably Tanner (Timmy Deters). To use an adjective like "pugnacious" or "scrappy" to describe this kid is laughable. Tanner starts a fight faster than you can think, and he's fearless. He'll take on several bigger boys at once and keep slugging until they get tired and leave. Kelly (Jeff Davies) raises adolescent 'tude to new levels. The campus bad boy, Kelly's also a great ball player. Naturally, he and Amanda hit it off. Engelberg (Brandon Craggs) is the team fat boy, who has to put up with a lot of guff. I looked for but didn't find any trace of the Richard Linklater who made the intimate, romantic Before Sunset last year, but of course he wrote and directed that film. This is a "for hire" directorial job for Linklater, not something he has put his soul into. Well, that may not be true. Both he and Thornton actually played baseball, so they do know the game, or at least they know more than the Bears do. As these things go, Bad News Bears is not half bad. Thornton has the ability to make even middle-aged losers look good. He sleepwalks through the first half but improves after Buttermaker gets over himself. Arrogant coach Roy Bullock (Greg Kinnear) makes a perfect opponent for Buttermaker, and watching them square off is rewarding. Bad News Bears has been around awhile. It's now playing at Cinemark, but will surely end up at Movies 12. Recommended for the simple vices it enjoys: cussing, fighting and irresponsibly driving a Caddy convertible while drinking.
OPENING
OR RETURNING: Crash: Paul Haggis (Million Dollar Baby) wrote, directed and produced this urban drama set in Los Angeles, which looks at the complexities of racial tolerance in contemporary America. Stars Sandra Bullock, Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon, Jennifer Esposito, William Fichtner, Brendan Fraser, Terrence Howard, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, Thandie Newton, Ryan Phillippe and Lorenz Tate. R. Movies 12. Four Brothers: After their mother is murdered, four brothers reunite to avenge her death. From the director of 2 Fast 2 Furious. Stars Mark Wahlberg, Tyrese Gibson, Andre Benjamin and Garrett Hedlund. R. Cinema World, Cinemark. Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo: Rob Schneider stars in this sequel to Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigalo. Bigalow goes back to work after his former pimp is accused of murdering Europe's Greatest Gigalos. R. Cinema World, Cinemark. Hard Boiled: A 1992 John Woo film about the mobsters smuggling guns into Hong Kong and the "hard boiled" detectives who try to stop them. R. Bijou latenite. Old School: A Will Ferrell comedy about middle-aged men who start a fraternity to improve their social life. R. Movies 12. Skeleton Key: Something wicked lurks in the Louisiana mansion where Kate Hudson works as a live-in nurse. PG-13. Cinema World, Cinemark.
CONTINUING: Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girls in 3D, The: Cayden Boyd stars as a boy whose imaginary superhero friends come to life and join him on a series of adventures. Directed by Robert Rodriguez (Sin City, Spy Kids). PG. Movies 12. Batman Begins: Christopher Nolan (Insomnia, Memento) directs an all star cast to bring you the story of how young Bruce Wayne (Christopher Hale) becomes the Dark Knight. Also stars Michael Caine as Alfred Pennyworth, Liam Neeson, Gary Oldman, Morgan Freeman and Katie Holmes. PG13. Cinema World. Cinemark. Online archives. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Tim Burton's reimagining of Roald Dahl's perennial children's favorite dark chocolate treat stars Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka with Freddie Highmore, his child co-star from Finding Neverland, along with Helen Bonham Carter. Loved it! Highest recommendations. PG. Cinema World. Cinemark. Online archives. Cinderella Man: Russell Crowe stars as real-life, Depression Era boxer Jim Braddock; Renee Zellwegger plays his supportive wife, Mae. Directed by Ron Howard, picture also stars Paul Giamatti. A complicated, focused and courageous fighter, Braddock not only spars in the ring but also struggles to keep his family together despite the country's widespread, crippling poverty and record unemployment. Very highest recommendations. PG-13. Movies 12. Online archives. Dukes of Hazzard: Good ole boy cousins Seann William Scott and Johnny Knoxville are drivin' the back roads of Hazzard County with cousin Jessica Simpson. With Willie Nelson, Burt Reynolds, Joe Don Baker and Lynda Carter. PG-13. Cinema World. Cinemark. Fantastic Four: Marvel Comic's superheroes, transformed by cosmic rays while on an outer space mission, battle the evil powers of Doctor Doom. Directed by Tim Story, movie stars Jessica Alba, Ioan Gruffudd, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Julian McMahon. PG-13. Cinemark. Great Raid, The: John Dahl directs Benjamin Bratt, James Franco, Connie Nielsen and Joeseph Fiennes in the true story of the 6th Ranger Battalion's men who travel 30 miles behind enemy lines in 1945 to liberate more than 500 American POWs held by the Japanese in the Phlippines. R. Cinemark. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Irreverent sci-fi comedy based on the late Douglas Adams' cult novel follows the adventures in space of the most ordinary man in the world, Arthur Dent (Martin Freeman) and his best friend (Mos Def). Directed by Garth Jennings, film also stars Sam Rockwell, Zooey Deschanel, John Malkovich, Warwick Davis, Helen Mirren, Thomas Lennon, Anna Chancellor, Alan Rickman and Bill Nighy; with Stephen Fry as the narrator. Great fun! PG. Movies 12. Online archives. Island, The: Michael Bay directs Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johanson in an action thriller, futuristic fable of two residents of a carefully controlled environment who discover shocking news about their reality and their fate. PG-13. Cinemark. Kicking and Screaming: Will Ferrell and Robert Duvall as rival youth soccer team coaches. Directed by Jesse Dylan, film also stars Mike Ditka and Kate Walsh. PG. Movies 12. Longest Yard, The: Lots of world-class athletes from NFL players to kick-boxers and wrestlers star along with Adam Sandler, Burt Reynolds and Chris Rock in this comic tall tale of a group of diverse inmates who team up to play against their guards. PG-13. Movies 12. March of the Penguins: Documentary director Luc Jacquet's film chronicles the oft-repeated survival of the species in the wind-strewn wilderness of Antarctica. Film tracks a pair of Emperor Penguins across continent. Includes intimate scenes of the big birds mating. The female lays one egg, passes it to the male and takes off for a three months round trip to the sea and food. Meanwhile, the male penguins don't eat but focus exclusively on keeping the eggs alive for the gestation period. G. Bijou. Cinemark. Me and You and Everyone We Know: Strange-in-a-good-way film by installation artist Miranda July. July stars with John Hawkes, Miles Thompson and Brandon Ratcliff in roles where first one character and then another makes tentative attempts to connect with another person and ease their essential loneliness and separation. One of the year's most interesting film. Very highest recommendations. R. Bijou. Online archives. Monster-in-Law: Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez duke it out verbally in this comedy directed by Robert Luketic (Legally Blonde). Also stars Michael Vartan and Wanda Sykes. PG-13. Movies 12. Must Love Dogs: Directed by Gary David Goldberg, a television sitcom director, pic stars the fabulous Diane Lane as a divorcée beginning to date again. Co-stars John Cusack, Dermot Mulroney, Christopher Plummer and Elizabeth Perkins. Sure to be a popular, commercial romantic comedy. PG-13. Cinemark. Cinema World. Online archives. Robots: Chris Wedge's amusing tale of a robot lad who dreams of being an inventor. This creative world of mechanical beings is never dull because these endearing, pieced-together, talking tin cans convey comfort and safety. Voices by Ewan McGregor, Halle Berry, Robin Williams, Mel Brooks, Amanda Bynes, Stanley Tucci, Greg Kinnear. Not preachy, but a good teaching tale about differences. Warmly recommended. PG. Movies 12. Online archives. Sahara: Penelope Cruz, Matthew McConaughey and Steve Zahn team up to look for a long-lost Civil War battleship that protects a secret cargo. PG-13. Movies 12. Sin City: Based on the graphic novel by Frank Miller and directed by Miller, Robert Rodriguez (and "special guest director" Quentin Tarantino), film stars a host of players including Jessica Alba, Rosario Dawson, Elijah Wood, Bruce Willis, Benicio Del Toro, Clive Owen and Josh Hartnett. Highly recommended for style. R. Movies 12. Online archives. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants: Four young women who've been friends since childhood are now going their different ways. They wonder how they'll stay in touch until they discover a pair of jeans that fit each of them perfectly. Stars America Ferrera, Blake Lively, Alexis Bledel and Amber Tamblyn. PG. Movies 12. Sky High: Son of superheroes The Commander (Kurt Russell) and Jetstream (Kelly Preston), poor Will (Michael Angarano) must go to Sky High, an elite high school, where he battles a nasty gym coach (Bruce Campbell), a bully, teen angst, parental expectations and girl problems. Wow! PG. Cinema World. Cinemark. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith: The long-awaited final episode in George Lucas's series stars Hayden Christensen, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman. From Village Voice reviewer Ed Halter: "Lucas packs his latest with physics-defying deep-space dogfights and zhoozhing lightsaber battles, frequently cutting back and forth between two simultaneous melees on separate planets, deploying his signature Flash Gordon wipes." PG-13. Movies 12. Online archives. Stealth: Commanding officer Sam Shepard orders test pilots Jamie Foxx, Josh Lucas and Jessica Biel to bring an AI-based auto-pilot onboard. Then the machine turns renegade and takes over, right, like in Kubrick's 2001. PG-13. Cinemark. Cinema World. War of the Worlds: Directed by Steven Spielberg, this retelling of H.G. Well's seminal sci-fi adventure thriller about an invasion of Earth by Martians, as seen through the eyes of ordinary people played by Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning, Justin Chatwin, Miranda Otto, and Tim Robbins. Riveting, challenging and moving; very highest recommendations. PG-13. Cinemark. Cinema World. Online archives. Wedding Crashers: Hyper pranksters Owen Wilson and Vince Vaghn star in this throwback to a rowdier time in movies. Things go well for the boys until they meet up with Rachel McAdams and Isla Fisher and their parents, Christopher Walken and Jane Seymour. R. Cinemark. Cinema World. Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill, The: Nonfiction narrative feature film about a flock of wild parrots who co-exist with native species to make San Francisco's waterfront and gardens their territory. Mark Bittner is the gentle, observant man who feeds, cares for and studies the birds. Judy Irving is the filmmaker. Outstanding film, with very highest recommendations. PG. Bijou. Online archives.
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