Eugene Weekly : Views : 12.01.05

The Explosion Index
Give us our daily BM.
BY J.K. LARKIN

Nowadays, newspapers are cluttered with too much information about things blowing up. To make room for topics I like, such as Lance Sparks' wine column or Sally Sheklow on lesbian culture, I suggest the development of the explosion index, or simply BOOM Index (BM Index). I must admit however I prefer pinot noir and sushi to business.

Business news junkies can't handle the minute-to-minute developments of the hundreds of companies in the NASDAQ, nor even the 30 companies of the DJIA. How can the rest of us keep all the things exploding straight in our heads? We can't, that's why we need the daily BM Index.

I spend too much time trying to figure out if the 45 people that got blown apart in Iraq yesterday are the same ones that are being talked about today. With the time difference I could keep it straight initially, but daylight savings time threw me off.

With a running BM Index, there could be a total number of explosions and the daily change. Of course, the overall BM Index would only increase in number. It could not go down, but the decrease in the increase of BM would be noted daily.

Cars exploding in France with no deaths would rate a lower number (unless they are BMWs). Truly devastating and senseless killings at a wedding party in Jordan would be weighted higher than the number killed, as innocents were murdered. The suicide bombers themselves need to be counted, but in some fraction way to the right of the decimal point. Trains blowing up in Spain and the Tube exploding in London rate higher than a Hummer with a Guardsman, but the number of soldiers dead and mutilated make the BM Index go through the roof.

Let me give you an example. Start counting about Thanksgiving Day. There is no NASDAQ reported that day, so it would be a natural day to start. The BM Index today is 104.7-14/1.703-3. This means of 104 explosions there were seven deaths and 14 maimed. One terrorist in Iraq exploded, 703 Fiats burned in Paris and three mopeds died in Belgium. The next day more numbers are added, so by next year the number is like a zillion, give or take some punctuation.

Still, it would save space and time to report the explosions using the BM Index. It could be removed from the news entirely and reported under the Powerball numbers on all those billboards along the interstate. More importantly, with time, fewer things would explode. People who blow up things probably read about other things blowing up, and with their active fantasy lives have nocturnal explosions. How many virgins exist in paradise for these guys anyway? I bet if they were examined closely these thousands of explosive freaks are sharing the same 70 women. They'd be better off, in my opinion, concentrating on getting laid once on this planet before deciding to explode at a wedding party in Jordan.

J.K. Larkin is a Eugene physician who specializes in geriatrics and Alzheimer's disease.

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		The Explosion Index Give us our daily BM. BY J.K. LARKIN Nowadays, newspapers are cluttered with too much information about things blowing up. To make room for topics I like, such as Lance Sparks' wine column or Sally Sheklow on lesbian culture, I suggest the development of the explosion index, or simply BOOM Index (BM Index). I must admit however I prefer pinot noir and sushi to business. Business news junkies can't handle the minute-to-minute developments of the hundreds of companies in the NASDAQ, nor even the 30 companies of the DJIA. How can the rest of us keep all the things exploding straight in our heads? We can't, that's why we need the daily BM Index. I spend too much time trying to figure out if the 45 people that got blown apart in Iraq yesterday are the same ones that are being talked about today. With the time difference I could keep it straight initially, but daylight savings time threw me off. With a running BM Index, there could be a total number of explosions and the daily change. Of course, the overall BM Index would only increase in number. It could not go down, but the decrease in the increase of BM would be noted daily. Cars exploding in France with no deaths would rate a lower number (unless they are BMWs). Truly devastating and senseless killings at a wedding party in Jordan would be weighted higher than the number killed, as innocents were murdered. The suicide bombers themselves need to be counted, but in some fraction way to the right of the decimal point. Trains blowing up in Spain and the Tube exploding in London rate higher than a Hummer with a Guardsman, but the number of soldiers dead and mutilated make the BM Index go through the roof. Let me give you an example. Start counting about Thanksgiving Day. There is no NASDAQ reported that day, so it would be a natural day to start. The BM Index today is 104.7-14/1.703-3. This means of 104 explosions there were seven deaths and 14 maimed. One terrorist in Iraq exploded, 703 Fiats burned in Paris and three mopeds died in Belgium. The next day more numbers are added, so by next year the number is like a zillion, give or take some punctuation. Still, it would save space and time to report the explosions using the BM Index. It could be removed from the news entirely and reported under the Powerball numbers on all those billboards along the interstate. More importantly, with time, fewer things would explode. People who blow up things probably read about other things blowing up, and with their active fantasy lives have nocturnal explosions. How many virgins exist in paradise for these guys anyway? I bet if they were examined closely these thousands of explosive freaks are sharing the same 70 women. They'd be better off, in my opinion, concentrating on getting laid once on this planet before deciding to explode at a wedding party in Jordan. J.K. Larkin is a Eugene physician who specializes in geriatrics and Alzheimer's disease.






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