Eugene Weekly : 12.29.05

HAPPY NEXT YEAR

EW's predictions for 2006

We've spent bleary hours gazing into crystal balls, broken a thousand fortune cookies, dealt and re-dealt the Tarot cards, thrown the bones, consulted the entrails, re-read the tea leaves, grilled psychics in line at the Employment Division, interviewed Professor Trelawney, read the palms of local developers and shaved the heads and read the bumps on local politicians to bring you, our readers, a major investigative EXCLUSIVE. Some papers are satisfied with year-end retrospectives, but not Eugene Weekly. Here we bring you the first ever year-end PROSPECTIVE of what definitely, mark our words, will happen in 2006!

JANUARY

January is now officially Nude Calendar Month. To help close a $10 million budget gap in the new federal courthouse building, U.S. Judge Michael Hogan announces that he will organize and participate in a nude calendar of local judges entitled: "Habeas Corpus." The Latin judicial term translates: "You should have the body." A disrobed Hogan will be Mr. February. Other organizations struggling with funding publish nude calendars for 2006. They include the League of Women Voters (hiding behind voter's guides), Eugene Police Department (wearing union suits around their ankles), Hardy Plant Society (wearing strategically placed rhody leaves), local Libertarians (there aren't many of them, so Tonie Nathan is on every other page and Jay Bozievich makes a guest appearance), Cascade Mycological Society (shivering in the rain behind truffles), the Willamattans (fully clothed for a change), The Register-Guard editorial board (posing with bulldozers and dump trucks), and the EW staff (sporting pink body paint).

In other nude news, the entire crew at Morning Glory Café is arrested on federal eco-sabotage charges following an FBI investigation into hidden subversive messages in the restaurant's annual "Get Naked in the Kitchen" calendar. The case is eventually thrown out of court due to illegal wiretaps, but not before the restaurant's secret recipes are disclosed on a deposition transcript website, leading to a global shortage of mushrooms, tofu and other ingredients in the café's addictive Tantric Mushroom Gravy, aka "spicy brown glop."

FEBRUARY

The Eugene police union files suit to throw out the independent police auditor/review board passed by voters. The city manager, who opposed the independent auditor/board to begin with, quickly agrees with the union and settles the lawsuit by throwing out the accountability measure and signing a new union contract forbidding it.

Angered over opposition to the West Eugene Parkway, Lane County Commissioners vote to officially expel Eugene from the county.

After successfully nabbing "ecoterrorists," the Oregon Joint Terrorism Taskforce expands to pursue other politically motivated crimes. Mass indictments of timbo-thefto-terrorists, polluteo-terrorists, tax-evade-o-terrorists, campaign-dono-terrorists, anti-aborto-terrorists and lawn-signo-terrorists are announced. A judge refuses bail for the indicted "enemy combatants," noting that they face life sentences, military tribunals, rendition, torture and Guantánamo Bay and have every reason to flee the country.

Facing mounting domestic and international pressure to pull troops out of Iraq, President Bush finally offers a timetable for withdrawal, but the terms are vague: "After Peak Oil, but before the Rapture."

The Eugene Police Department gives up on reform and begins equipping officers with special prophylactics. Each officer will be issued blue, latex-free condoms in wrappers embossed with a police badge and the "Protect and Serve" motto. The condoms will be carried in a special leather pouch on officer utility belts next to their handcuffs. Earlier plans for Kevlar, ribbed and ultra-thin options were withdrawn after objections by the Eugene Police Commission. Kevlar was too expensive, ribbing was deemed excessive and the thin blue walls of the ultra sheer inadequate to provide protection. Each officer will be given a week's training in using the new body armor.

MARCH

Lane County Commissioners beg the Eugene City Council to rejoin Lane County after finding that expelling the city cut county revenues in half. The city, having found that things run much more smoothly and efficiently without the county, respectfully declines. Commissioners are forced to reduce their salaries to match those of the Springfield city councilors.

Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald sends Vice President Dick Cheney to an Iraqi prison for torture to get the truth out of him concerning the long-running scandal about the leaking of a CIA agent's identity. Fitzgerald's move takes advantage of Bush administration policies allowing rendition for torture and broad definitions of "terrorism" to include any politically motivated crime. Boarding a CIA flight to Iraq, Cheney said his predicament hasn't changed his views on torture. "I needed to lose some weight and get a good long dunking and, anyway, I'm tired of cutting my finger nails," Cheney told reporters off the record.

Anna Morrison is forced to resign from the Lane County Board of Commissioners and abandon her re-election bid when it is discovered that she actually lives in Boise and hasn't been seen in her western Lane County district for years.

Recognizing the hypocrisy of espousing environmental virtues while consuming small forests of trees each year to print its paper, Eugene Weekly announces an initiative to make its product 100 percent reusable. EW will now be printed and distributed entirely on toilet paper rolls with soy-based ink. Officials at the paper explained that the newsroll will make for easier bathroom reading and will likely result in circulation increases and wipe out the competition. "We're really on a roll!" says Editor T. P. Taylor.

APRIL

The Eugene City Council votes to sell Eugene City Hall to a non-profit that will transform the building into the Museum of the American Hippie. The Far Out Foundation, founded by Silicon Valley billionaires who are Oregon Country Fair regulars, will repaint the lattice on the outside of the structure and a bridge to the county building in rainbow stripes and install the world's largest lava lamp on top of the old council chamber pavillion. The beacon will be large enough to be seen at night for miles and the Far Out Foundation predicts that the museum will attract millions of dollars in tourist spending. Meanwhile, offices for city staff will relocate to under the I-105 bridge. The city spent all of the $30 million it had saved to build a new City Hall on consultants to study studies for a new building.

ODOT announces that in a public-private partnership, the Papé company will collect tolls on the future West Eugene Parkway for the next 100 years in exchange for donating another $60,000 to Gov. Ted Kulongoski's re-election campaign.

Royal Caribbean Cruises, just five months after moving into its new call center in Springfield, announces it will now compete on both price and service with assisted living centers and nursing homes in offering long-term housing for the elderly and infirm. The new "Cruising into the Sunset" package will include daily massage, room service, 24/7 buffet and a low-cost burial at sea option.

MAY

The Springfield City Council makes national news by banning the sale and use of all household pesticides and herbicides within the city limits. Eugene city councilors complain that the Springfield action is "not fair" since Eugene is supposed to be the leader in sustainability.

Lane County Commissioners passed a tax on the homeless to pay for increased prosecution and law enforcement. The Homeless Income Tax (HIT) will take a cut of panhandler revenue. District Attorney Doug Harcleroad could not be reached for comment as he was still on paid sabbatical in Hawaii, following a workers' compensation claim related to job stress.

After securing the Democratic nomination for governor, Ted Kulongoski announced at a press conference, "Ha ha, fooled you, I'm really a Republican." The governor then jumped behind an American flag on the stage, wrapped it around himself and explained that he couldn't answer questions because he was running late for another support-the troops event.

JUNE

After six months of negotiations, West Eugene Parkway supporters finally agree to talk about a discussion concerning communicating about negotiating a facilitated conversation about mediating a dispute concerning a compromise on an agreement to possibly mention alternatives to discussing the freeway through the wetlands.

Spring flooding, combined with a dam failure on the Willamette, washes away the entire construction site at PeaceHealth's RiverBend site. Unfettered hospital administrators decide to rebuild on the same site on pillars above the water, renaming it RiverBottom, and announcing that fresh steelhead will be a regular item on the hospital menu.

In a stunning reversal, the UO announces that the 600 tenants of its Westmoreland Family Housing complex do not have to move out by the end of the month. Rather than sell the low-rent apartments in order to buy more expensive land close to campus, the UO has decided to sell President Dave Frohnmayer's $1.2 million mansion to fund future real estate purchases. Tenants are given a free year's rent for their trouble. Frohmayer and his family move into Westmoreland.

JULY

A new local environmental group has formed to support building the West Eugene Parkway through endangered butterfly habitat. Eugene Lepidopterists for Freeways (ELF) say they support the freeway because windshield splatter will allow them to easily collect and observe otherwise hard-to-get endangered specimens without the need for nets. Local developer Bull Dozermeechi denied that he was bankrolling the group's full-page ads

The city of Oakridge converts an old warehouse into a combination homeless shelter, art studios and community center. The project is financed by a thriving non-profit soup kitchen that feeds not only the homeless but also local residents. The successful operation becomes a national model. Eugene councilors cry foul.

Local ambulance companies, anticipating traffic gridlock to Eugene's and Springfield's far northern hospitals, announce plans to use jet boats to get patients past traffic gridlock. Both hospitals design docks and canals for better access. Record sales of motorboats to ailing senior citizens reported.

AUGUST

The U.S. Forest Service has launched a new public service campaign to fight forest fires. Featuring a chainsaw-wielding bear, the ads include the motto, "Only loggers can prevent forest fires. Stumps don't burn."

U.S. Forest Service Chief Mark Rey announces that, thanks to the Healthy Forest Initiative, there hasn't been a single forest fire on public lands all season. Doug Heiken of the Oregon Natural Resources Council notes that the lack of fires may relate to the fact that all of the trees in public forests have been logged. OPB producer Eric Cain follows up with a documentary about the ecological merits of clear-cutting.

The counter-culture desert rave known as Burning Man announces that it's finally kicking its fossil fuel dependency. No more stinky generators, kerosene-drenched effigies or diesel-tootin' art cars. Instead, this year's festival will feature geothermal-powered lava tubes, wind-driven art cars and solar-powered speakers. Sweaty strung-out ravers with excess chemical energy will power stationary bikes hooked up to a turbine. To reflect the new focus on alternative energy, and to calm down uppity feminists who take issue with "The Man," the festival will officially change its name to Solar Human.

Eugene's Sweet Potato Pie decides to franchise and go public. The IPO generates $50 million, the store's advertising models hire New York agents, and within two weeks unauthorized Sweetie Potatoe Pie shops pop up all over China, Russia and India. Hemp clothing sales soar worldwide.

SEPTEMBER

The Eugene School Board has finally resolved the local school choice debate. The board announced that rich white kids had clearly chosen the choice system and poor minority kids had clearly not. Therefore, the district would split into two school districts, 4J and 3K. The 4J district will include choice schools with small class sizes, heavy private funding and elite white kids. The 3K district will have larger classes, virtually no private funding and teachers struggling with the most challenging poor, minority and disabled kids.

Developer Willie Woolly has acquired an interest in the infamous Aster's Hole. Publisher and developer Ed Aster left his hole behind after he tore down the Woolworth's building on Willamette near Broadway and left an ugly pit behind for five years. Woolly said he's thinking of rebuilding the Woolworth's because he likes the name. Until then, the eyesore will be renamed Woolly-Aster hole.

Springfield School District announces that 10th grade biology classes will teach evolutionary theory in tandem with intelligent design theories, including the Christian story of Adam and Eve, the Mayan story of Tepeu and Gucumatz, the Scandinavian story of Ask and Embla, and the Corvallis story of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The rest of the curriculum, involving scientific mumbo-jumbo such as photosynthesis and mitosis, will be scrapped.

OCTOBER

ODOT cancels the WEP after the primary reason for its construction was removed. Wal-Mart announced plans to move its supercenter, the largest retail outlet in the region, to land near I-5/Beltline, declaring that the freeway through wetlands was taking too long.

City of Eugene park officials announce that the entire south hills ridgeline, including Spencer's Butte, will be logged and bulldozed to build more houses for rich Californians. "Come on, people," said Parks Director Jimmy Bedlam during the press conference. "Endangered plants and birds don't pay property taxes. It's time to get our priorities straight."

With a generous contribution from Phil Knight, the Oregon Bach Festival cooperates with the U.S. Olympic Committee to bring innovative new events to the track and field trials planned for Eugene in 2008, since the music and sports events are scheduled to overlap. New sporting events will include: the tuba put, similar to the shot put but with the goal of landing the heavy ball in a marching tuba player's horn; the bassoon triple jump, similar to the Olympic event but while playing a bassoon; and the javiolin toss, involving throwing a sharpened string instrument. Nike announced that all musicians will be given new Nike Shox Bomber shoes and redesigned tuxedoes with tails that swoosh. Nike has a new marketing campaign to go with the Bach track event: "Just play with it."

The city of Springfield bans Styrofoam restaurant and deli take-out containers, and announces plans to implement free, mandatory auto emission testing for older cars, funded by taxes on major polluters. Once again, Eugene councilors cry foul.

NOVEMBER

Lane County's new electronic vote-counting computers indicate Jim Weaver as the winner in the 11th House District, Phil Barnhart the winner in the County Commission race, and Debi Farr the winner in the Eugene City Council Ward 3 race. None of these candidates had filed for the races they won, but a cost analysis by the county administrator determined it would be in the taxpayers' best interest if they just assumed their new positions, rather than call for a new election. Electronic voting glitches across the state were suspected in election results that ousted every Democrat in the Legislature. One theory is that the computers actually counted campaign dollars instead of votes, then broke down when overloaded.

To help raise money for a $50 million locker room spa renovation, the UO has branded and marketed a new malt liquor beverage to be sold at Autzen football games. Cold Drunk Duck will come in tall-boy sizes and be distributed by roaming vendors in the stadium and to tailgaters outside. To increase sales, the UO rally squad was directed to implement new cheers, including the ever popular, "Chug! Chug! Chug!"

The Register-Guard apologized last week for instigating business flight from downtown Eugene with its relocation to Chad Drive a decade ago, and announced plans to move downtown again. "We realize now that urban sprawl is bad for the community and we were a big part of making that OK," said publisher Binky Baker. Baker denied rumors that the R-G was just moving to cheap downtown land to cash in on selling its building at the I-5/Beltline interchange for a new Wal-Mart supercenter.

UO Ducks win a place at the consolation Sagebrush Bowl to be played at the rodeo grounds in Lakeview New Years Day.

DECEMBER

After eyeing completion of their new hospitals in 2007 at a combined cost of $600 million, PeaceHealth and Triad announce they will swap cities again in 2009 at an additional cost of $1 billion. The move came about after PeaceHealth announced plans to move to an old gravel pit adjacent to Triad. The new hospital will be called RiverPit. In unrelated news, local health insurance rates triple, again.

Lane Transit District rolls out the first phase of its bus rapid transit project, EmX, which shuttles passengers from downtown Eugene to downtown Springfield in an articulated hybrid bus. It eases traffic congestion, minimizes tailpipe emissions and saves passengers six minutes of travel time — but due to service cuts made to finance the $20 million project, it's the only public bus left in town.

The city of Cottage Grove announces new system development charges that actually cover the cost to taxpayers for new construction. Cottage Grove also bans new stores larger than 100,000 sq. ft. Once again, Eugene councilors cry foul.