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Organs
for Oregon It's true that you'd lose weight going through basic training for the National Guard, but if you sold a kidney (illegal now) you know you could squeeze into those designer-jeans and be money ahead. Girls, did you know the boy could have his penis blown clear off (legal now) in Iraq, for that $20 thousand sign-up bonus? The fact is, even though selling a kidney (illegal now) would gross you at least twice the sign-up bonus the guard is offering, you can still have an orgasm, and the stuff that comes out is the same. (That's made in the prostate and testes, not the kidneys — did you know you have two kidneys?) The $20,000 will not buy you the car you really want. You know — the one your girl wants you to get so you can steam it up making hot love in the back seat. On the other hand, with no legs, a sweet compact car may have a big enough back seat. It's hard to undo the bra with no hands or one hand, so she'd have to be understanding. The Oregon National Guard doubling the sign-up bonus for new recruits takes aim at the poor and the stupid. The stupid 17-year-olds sign because it's a way to go to college. They don't want to go to college, but this way they would have it paid for at some future date. It's a lot like dental insurance. If you're that poor, sell a damn kidney (illegal now). It hardly shows. I bet you could get $40,000, and a trip to a cool country. (See the world. If you forgot and tried to sell your second kidney, look in the mirror first and you may see a healed surgical scar on the left or right side.) We could legalize selling kidneys for a lot of money and call it KIDNEYS FOR KIDS or ORGANS FOR OREGON. It would be saving our 17-year-olds from being maimed, killed or emotionally damaged. Did I mention that your penis may be blown off in Iraq? Other advantages of selling a kidney (illegal now), is that it would make you feel warm and fuzzy, like you did something good. Maybe it would feel better than squeezing the trigger on a terrorist — maybe not, but you know, you don't get to keep the gun. Those who need a kidney would get it quicker, and it would be healthier, younger organ. But you ask, "What if I need that kidney when I'm older?" You probably won't, and if you do, just sell some of those oil company shares you bought when you sold the first one. If you are not poor, but fall into "stupid" category, that is, "I'm going to blow things up now, so I can go to college later," please read on. To go to college, you fill out an application, similar to the National Guard's. Someone could help you if it's too hard, ask a grandparent. Sometimes people get smarter with the passage of time. In four years you could be in a graduate school or in six years you could still have a high school education, but some cool Army clothes that won't fit you for very long. I think they keep the cool stuff, like the football pads and things that explode when kids step on them. This is not an anti-National Guard essay. If you are a patriot, then sign-up and tell them to keep the $20,000. If you want to aim guns at people and would be robbing banks if you stayed home, then sign-up and truly make Oregon a safer place. Just don't use the excuse of getting an education paid for that you don't want, or the excuse that selling a kidney is illegal. J.K. Larkin is a Eugene physician who specializes in geriatrics and Alzheimer's disease.
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