Savage Love by Dan Savage I'm a 24-year-old male with a 28-year-old girlfriend. We've been together for a year and I love her with all my heart. We get along, she makes me laugh, and she even plays video games with me. How awesome is that? But our sex life is less than great. I know there are guys out there who will hate me for saying this, but the problem is my cock. It's too big. I'm 6' 3" and she's a foot shorter. I love oral sex, but she can't perform it on me, as it hurts her mouth and jaw. I've tried to work with her to find a solution, but she gets too embarrassed and has basically given up trying. Also, if we have vaginal intercourse for more than 15 minutes she's almost too sore to walk the next day. She is extremely shy in all sexual matters. Is there any way we can reach something good for both of us? Absolutely Wants Oral Loving P.S. Thanks a million, and keep up the good work. Also, I'm from Pennsylvania and I'm not voting for douche bag. You know who I mean.   I don't normally answer questions from guys complaining about their big dicks. It's not that a big dick can't be problematic. It's just that any time I run a letter from a guy complaining about his big dick, AWOL, guys with tiny dicks start CC'ing me on their suicide notes. It's depressing. But I'm making an exception for you, AWOL, because running your letter gives me one last chance to implore the people of Pennsylvania to get out there and vote Rick Santorum out of office on Tuesday, November 7. The eyes of the nation are upon you, Pennsylvania! Don't let us down! Wipe Santorum off the floor of the Senate! Okay, AWOL, your dick isn't the problem here; your girlfriend is. She sounds swell, what with the relating and laughing and video-game playing, but her shyness about sex coupled with her unwillingness—not her inability, but her unwillingness—to communicate with you about sex is the problem. Do you even realize what you're doing, AWOL? You're blaming the victim! I want you to look in the mirror and say this over and over again until you believe it: "My dick didn't do anything wrong. It's not a crime to be big. There are plenty of guys with big dicks out there who fall in love with petite partners, male and female, who by working together as a couple learn to accommodate each other's special features and physical limitations." And here are two ways to do that… Oral sex: By choosing to stay with her, AWOL, you're choosing a future without deep throating, face fucking, or long, leisurely blowjobs. Take a moment to grieve. But tell yourself you can still have oral sex. Your girlfriend has to be willing to wrap both of her slobbery fists around your shaft and then work just the head of your cock with her mouth, and you have to be willing to regard that as the best blowjob you can reasonably expect, under the circumstances. It may not be full-blown head, AWOL, but it feels damn close. Vaginal intercourse: Work within that 15-minute time limit, AWOL. Place your cock between the top of her thighs, running from the bottom of her twat, along her taint, and up the crack of her ass. Ask her to clamp her thighs together, then hump her for as long as you like. Be sure to give attention to her clit, AWOL, so there's something in this for her. Then when you're close, go inside for the last 10 minutes. These accommodations are not only pleasurable, AWOL, but they will also take the buzz-killing pressure off your long-suffering girlfriend. Right now she's on a negative-feedback loop: Every time she blows you or you fuck her, she winds up sore or suffering. Break the link in her mind between sex and discomfort, AWOL, and you'll get your sex life roaring again. Good luck.   A few years ago, I was involved with a guy who revealed himself to be a dangerous person. Let's call him "Ducks." He was a pathological liar. He threw screaming tantrums. He made himself seem so pathetic that most of his friends and I put up with his abuse because we didn't think he would survive on his own. Eventually, we cut off all contact with him. A year later I received a phone call from Ducks's college roommate. He was concerned about Ducks's treatment of his new girlfriend. He asked me specific questions about Ducks. At first, I was reluctant about getting involved, but after the roommate described Ducks's behavior (lying, screaming, tantrums), I told him that yes, that was "typical" behavior. He asked if it had escalated into something worse. I told him it had. The roommate then put the girlfriend on the phone. She begged me to tell her how much worse. I told her of a specific instance of extreme psychological abuse. She ended her relationship with Ducks, and his roommate kicked him out. He was kicked out of college two weeks later for academic reasons. Now Ducks's family blames me for their son's difficulties, and I feel guilty about saying anything at all. Should I have let Ducks's girlfriend find out for herself if Ducks was still the same person? Or should someone who has been abused warn the next possible victim? Butting Out Ain't Too Simple   Don't feel guilty, BOATS. You didn't go out of your way to persecute or harass Ducks—you didn't create a website, you weren't putting up posters with his picture on them, and you didn't seek out his new girlfriend. You answered a direct question about your experiences with Ducks. Period. You were under no obligation to cover for him, and it's past time that Ducks and his family learned that he isn't going to be able to run around abusing and manipulating people forever without suffering the consequences.   Wisconsin needs your help! On Tuesday, November 7, we're voting on an amendment banning gay marriage. As a married, hetero male I'm supposed to feel threatened by gays getting married, but I'm smart enough to realize it doesn't affect me at all. I also realize that I got to marry whomever I wanted, and everyone should have that right. Urge your readers in Wisconsin to vote NO on the marriage amendment. Thanks! J In Wisconsin   You put it better than I could, JIW. I would add: The amendment in Wisconsin bans gay marriage and civil unions. Vote no. And to my readers in Colorado, Idaho, South Carolina, Tennessee, Virginia, Arizona, and South Dakota: Please vote against the gay-marriage bans in your states, too. And in South Dakota, please vote to overturn your state's idiotic abortion ban. And to my readers in Canada: Be glad you don't have to put up with any of this shit.   I had never had an orgasm in my life—despite my own and other people's best efforts—until the age of 18. First hit of crappy weed with a cooperative boyfriend and—bam!—six orgasms in five minutes. When people ask me why I'm pro-legalization I mutter something about bourgeoning prison populations. I do not say that pot saved my sex life.   Thanks for sharing, FG. For more about pot and sex, keep reading.   I loved your advice to PROP. I am a 25-year-old woman with a healthy sex life, thanks to pot. I have a hard time relaxing and being comfortable with my naked body (although I'm attractive), but smoking weed alleviates my anxiety so I can get down. I don't smoke every time I have sex, but it's usually better when I do (for example, I come every time when I smoke, and usually do not come when I don't). If someone thinks this could cause me harm, I'd like him or her to consider the harm that living life without sexual gratification can do. I'm In Love With Mary Jane   Did you forget about the risks of smoking in general? Remember it IS linked with mouth, throat, and lung cancer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit isn't going to kill anyone… but who wants to risk cancer at 70, having had to smoke five times a week so they could get it on? Why not give better advice to consume THC in a less destructive way… like eating it! There are tons of recipes online and the effects are WAY better. The Hungry Chica   I was reading the PROP question to my girlfriend, and we simultaneously said to each other, "She's a dyke." In our opinion (due to our own experiences and observations) women who need to be high and/or drunk to enjoy sex with men may very well be lesbians. Now, if PROP had said that his girlfriend got a special thrill out of stoned sex every once in a while, that would be a different matter. But, EVERY time? Hmmm. All I know is that before I accepted my cunt-loving ways, I needed drugs/alcohol EVERY time too, and so did my girlfriend. Just a thought. Pussy Over Toking   Dan, good advice to PROP. A lot of people with lower-body nerve damage report increased sensation and function during sex after smoking pot. I've had a spinal-cord injury since I was a child, and the first time I had sex after smoking pot it was a revelation. I now have a medical cannabis prescription and wouldn't fuck without it. Banging On Nature's Groove   Just a heads up to PROP, and you also, Dan: I know for a fact that his girlfriend is not the only woman out there who finds that pot is more effective than any other sexual aid—physical, chemical, or psychological. As is general knowledge, most women need specific mental stimuli to be come aroused to the point of orgasm, above and beyond the physical (which for many men is sufficient). Stress, distractions, or whatever can make it really hard for a woman to climax. Pot, by allowing her to tune into her own body and that of her lover, provides an ability to focus on and enjoy the physical stimuli, without the constant mental static ("Did I remember to take my pill today?" "Did he hear that I just farted?" "I have to pick up the kids at 8:00."). For several "friends" of mine, sex without pot is good, sometimes great. With pot, it is almost always mind blowing (in any position, I might add, and occasionally even without clitoral stimulation). PROP should relax. While it would be good to try to work with his GF on helping her relax and tune into sex more, in the meantime he should be glad we have pot, just as I am sure she would be glad we have Viagra, if that issue ever came up (or failed to) for him. Personally, Orgasms Terrific   I wanted to weigh in on the pot-and-sex topic. My husband was kind of nervous about my use of substances prior to marriage, but we fucked so fast and furious that I was pregnant with twins way before our planned wedding date. I was clean through pregnancy and nursing, but always planned to smoke again after completing those joyful duties. My sweet and juicy husband was dubious and fearful, but after a year and a half of nursing, I went back to a couple of hits before sex, and lo and behold, the BEST orgasms (for both of us, I might add) occurred . My husband's doubts and insecurities about the harmful effects of a little weed here and there went out the window! Whatever works, works. EM   I thought I would share my experience of being married to a pot addict. My husband cannot quit on his own. He has to smoke it every day, or he becomes grumpy and irritable. Not wicked or abusive, but unhappy. He compares his need for it to hunger or thirst. Is this like being married to an alcoholic? No! My stepdad was an alcoholic, and I know the difference! My sweetie is a fantastic guy stoned or sober, or I wouldn't have married him. But PROP should know that it does affect our marriage. He was sober when I met him, and I miss that man sometimes. His sex drive is lower now. He's stoned most evenings and I am not, which makes for weird conversations. He is more fortunate than most of the other (self-described) potheads I know. Pot hasn't killed his ambition as it seems to have in many of my friends. He has a job that it doesn't interfere with. Also, at his request, I hide it each morning so that he can't smoke until the evening. (Several of our friends have wished out loud that I could do the same for them.) These are things I can deal with. In fact, I am happy with him. In our third year together, I love him more each day, and he recently said the same to me. But PROP needs to know these things up front, so he can make an informed choice. It's not the life for everyone, and it sounds like it's bothering him. Anonymous   I usually think your advice to readers is pretty well thought out, but your attitude about pot smoking and sex really was too cavalier. Did you even bother to consider that PROP and his girlfriend may have sex twice a day? Smoking pot twice a day may be great for their sex life, and may help prevent a number of ailments, but how are these people going to support themselves if they are stoned all the time? Even if they "only" have sex once or twice a week, do you really think getting stoned every time they screw is the best answer for them? Ever think of giving them advice that improves the psychology behind toe-curling sex, instead of turning the situation solely into a pro-pot forum? Lastly, though pot is not the worst of any legal or nonlegal intoxicants, ever think PROP's girl just might have an addictive personality and/or a substance-abuse problem? Having to fake an orgasm seems to be the least of the couple's problems then. I can understand your point but I just feel you got lazy with this one. Ellen   Amen to your advice to PROP, whose girlfriend needs to smoke pot to achieve orgasm. While it is perhaps a bit unfortunate that she NEEDS that crutch, if it works, then hey, why not? My girlfriend of four years and I use pot before (and sometimes during) sex reasonably regularly. Her sober orgasms are present and satisfying, but her high orgasms are mind blowingly long and intense. And as a side note, it drives me nuts that marijuana is illegal, but tobacco and alcohol are perfectly fine. God forbid we use a substance that isn't chemically addictive and can't kill you from one night of overuse. And remember those commercials that would have two stoned kids playing with a gun, and the gun goes off? COME ON, PEOPLE. No stoners out there would even think about going near a gun: They'd have to get off the couch to do so. Why weren't there also commercials depicting a couple of guys at a bar getting wasted, driving home, running over a couple of churchgoers, and then beating their wives? That's a more likely occurrence. Why Is Alcohol Legal When Pot Isn't?   I have been with my partner for 13 years. We have always had a decent sex life, but with the addition of marijuana, we have an amazing sex life. It's the difference between a 4 (out of 10) experience without and a 10-plus experience with. It seems totally obvious to me that weed works wonders for the intimacy and satisfaction of my long-term relationship. Its aphrodisiac properties are advocated by renowned sexpert Betty Dodson. I would suggest that any skeptics do their own research before dismissing the value of this relationship-enhancing practice. Hot For Pot   Just so you know: Back in the days when I was nonorgasmic I did a lot of research on the subject and found many references to marijuana as a potential treatment. No, I can't cite them offhand but, trust me, they're out there. It seems that pot has helped a lot more than "at least one woman out there" achieve orgasm. Liz D. Got questions? mail@savagelove.net Weekly Savage Love podcast available for download at www.thestranger.com/savage. SAVAGE LOVE IS SPONSORED BY
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