Eugene Weekly : Savage Love : 11.09.06
Savage Love
by Dan Savage
I am a 19-year-old male with a 4.5-inch cock that has not grown since I was 12. My girlfriend says that it does not penetrate deeply enough. I have already lost two girlfriends because they said the sex wasn't sensational enough. My doctor says I could have surgery, but my girlfriend says I should take pills. I would go with my doctor, but I don't want to have them fuck up my cock.
Cock Ain't Penetrating
"I'm not sure how CAP is measuring," says Alice Dreger, a faculty member of the Medical Humanities and Bioethics program at Northwestern University's Feinberg School of Medicine. "Flaccid unstretched, flaccid stretched, sort of turned on, way turned on—all this matters in regards to length when you go to look at available stats."
Dreger has worked as a patient advocate for people born with "different-than-average sex anatomies" for more than a decade (you can read more about her work at www.alicedreger.com).She took a spin as a guest expert in this space a few months ago and her advice for women with big clits was so good that I invited her back to offer some advice for men with small dicks. A word of warning, CAP, before we dive on your cock: Dreger invited a couple of additional guest experts to weigh in, so you need to pay attention to the quotation marks if you want to keep track of who's telling you what.
"Assuming CAP is telling us that the biggest he gets is 4.5 inches," says Dreger, "his penis is 'totally within the range of normal,' according to Dr. Kevin McVary, professor of urology at Northwestern University's Feinberg School of Medicine."
So if your dick is in the "normal range," why are girlfriends, docs, and spammers pushing surgery and pills on you?
"There are plenty of doctors and internet charlatans (and some docs who are internet charlatans) who will be happy to make CAP feel smaller still and offer him 'enhancements,' including a variety of surgeries," says Dreger. To find out if any of these surgeries work, Dreger pored over PubMed, a government-run medical-literature index. "Your taxpayer dollars at work reveal shockingly little study of these procedures," says Dreger. "Could this be true, I wondered? Are surgeons out there messing with guys' stuff for nonmedical reasons and not keeping track of the outcomes?"
Yup, says Dr. McVary.
"When challenged to present outcomes publicly in international research forums—any type of objective outcome—these purveyors come up empty-handed," says Dr. McVary. "They have never shown a benefit to a patient, even by any kind of quasi-academic means."
There's a very good reason docs doing these "enhancements" don't ask, don't tell, and don't publish much about outcomes: Surveys of men who have had these surgeries show that most aren't happy with the results. How unhappy are some guys? Well, earlier this year, a man pleaded guilty to a "weapons of mass destruction" charge for mailing a bomb to the surgeon who botched his penile-enlargement surgery. I'm not going to compound this poor guy's misery by mentioning his name, but my inner 12-year-old obligates me to mention this detail: The bomb was mailed from Reamstown, Pennsylvania.
Just in case two guest experts and one angry small-dicked mail bomber aren't enough to convince you that surgery is a dumb choice, CAP, Dreger lined up a third guest expert.
"It is foolish, risky surgery," says Dr. Justine Schober, urologist at Hamot Medical Center in Erie, Pennsylvania. "The same holds true for pills that supposedly increase length: useless at best, risky at worst."
If surgery is foolish and pills are useless, what can you do?
"CAP's girlfriend says his penis doesn't penetrate deeply enough," says Dreger. "CAP could try positions that let him get in deeper, or, better yet, he could take the time to figure out where his girlfriend's 'sweet spots' are, because, according to the sexology literature, length matters less than location." That means you need to retool your grind, CAP, not cut up your meat. "He could also be more creative and use techniques in addition to penis-vagina intercourse."
You also need to stop viewing your dick as somehow fatal to your romantic prospects.
"Dr. Schober did a study of guys who had really small penises," Dreger continues, "small enough to be described as 'micropenises.'" And how do these men—men with dicks so small that doctors feel free to toss around an ego-shattering prefix like "micro" when discussing their dicks—do with the ladies? "This study found that they tend to have 'close and long-lasting relationships' with women," Dreger says. And Dr. Schober says: "They often attribute partner sexual satisfaction… to their need to make extra effort, including nonpenetrating techniques." One of the microdicked men in Dr. Schober's study had a wife and a mistress. "So much for the theory that having a small member won't get you a woman," says Dreger.
Finally, in her research, Dreger ran across numerous articles about guys who tried to "self-enhance." She was reluctant to share the "dumb-shit stuff they tried," lest it inspire small-dicked men out there to attempt similarly stupid stuff. "The docs reporting on trying to help them didn't know whether to laugh or cry," was all she would say at first. When I assured Dreger that small-dicked readers of Savage Love have high self-esteem, great nonpenetrating technique, and more wives and mistresses than they can shake their micropenises at, she came through with one tragic example of self-enhancement: men injecting petroleum jelly directly into their penises.
"Nonsterile petroleum jelly," Dreger adds. "Some of the guys ended up so scarred, surgeons had to basically cut up their penises and rebuild them. And a rebuilt transmission may function a lot like a new transmission, but the male organ is not a transmission."
I met a kind, funny, attractive man. The problem is his penis is pretty small. I spent the past two years with a well-endowed ex and it's hard to be satisfied now that I'm not being "filled up." How do I broach the subject of using toys without hurting his feelings? I want to bring my silicone friends into the bedroom!
Canadian Craving More Cock
I wouldn't advise you to pull open a junk drawer full of dick-shaped silicone friends, CCMC, as that will prompt your boyfriend to draw immediate and unflattering comparisons to his own junk. Instead, take a hard look at some of your boyfriend's other body parts. He may not be able to give you that filled-up feeling with his dick, but I'll bet he could with one or both of his forearms. (And, hey, most men have feet that are at least 10 inches long.) Done correctly—lots of lube, lots of time—fisting won't hurt you. Done incorrectly—too little lube, too little time—and fisting could land you in the hospital, at the morgue, or on the Drudge Report. While there's tons of good info on the web about vaginal fisting (gotta love that vaginal-fisting entry on Wikipedia), I urge wannabe fisters to invest in a copy of A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting by Deborah Addington.
Oh, and those watches and wedding bands, beginning fisters? Remove 'em or lose 'em.
Read on for tons of advice from Savage Love readers for AWOL, the macrodicked reader with problems of his own.
A new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage. If you would like to record a question for a future podcast—can't do 'em without your help!—call 206-201-2720.
I'm surprised at you! Both in your response to AWOL and in a response a while back to another woman who had difficulty/discomfort sucking cock, you failed to mention one tip that I remember reading in your column way back when I was a teen in the late '80s. I'm a small woman and I've had great success using this technique.
You, the cocksucker, lie on your back and let your head hang off of the edge of the bed/table/arm of sofa. The person with the cock faces you, standing (or kneeling), so that his cock makes its way into your mouth. This position opens up the throat, and you can go MUCH DEEPER IN. In fact, I've since become known (by my lovers) as an amazingly deep-throated partner. No pain, unless the person with the cock thrusts inconsiderately hard, and little gagging. Your neck can get sore after a while, though.
I used to be extremely reluctant to give head to a male partner, but since trying your suggestion I've become a very…
Happy Cocksucker
Liked your answer to AWOL a lot. Two more tips for him and guys like him. One obvious—lots of lube—and one little known.
A good friend with a boyfriend with a big dick swears by calcium pills for allowing her to give lots of head. She says when she runs out of pills, her jaw starts to ache during oral sex a couple weeks later. When she starts taking her daily dose, she is out of pain giving head after a week or two. She calls his dick her osteoporosis prevention machine.
Insert Clever Name Here
P.S. To your suicidal readers with penis-size insecurities. I just met a fabulous man who is definitely on the small side and he is one of the very best lovers I've been with.
Your response to AWOL neglected to mention that he had said nothing about his girlfriend's pleasure—nothing about her having satisfaction, only about him getting his. You mentioned pleasing her; he didn't.
He must think he's a great lover, with his big one and his 15-minute intercourse. He should read "She Comes First" and think along those lines for a while—maybe for the rest of his life.
Never Too Late
Pretty good advice for all parties involved in AWOL, Dan. And for all the smaller dicks out there: guess what? Having had experience with a monster AND one that was the length of my thumb (two inches), I got more and better stimulation from the shortie! Reason? The shortie got closer and stayed in and really ground away at my clit. it was the best intercourse/clit stimulation I ever had—so there!
Loves A Shortie Stimulation
Any time you advise someone to engage in pre-intercourse frolicking in and around the "crack of the ass" you have to be cautious of bacterial contamination. Many women, due to our inconvenient indoor plumbing, have a predisposition for contracting bladder infections. Perfectly healthy anal bacteria can easily be transported to the opening of the urethra during sexual activity. If you have ever suffered from a bladder infection, you know the intense pain is not something you ever want to experience again. And if AWOL's GF is unlucky enough to develop a bladder infection and learns that it could be a result of their sexual activity, he can kiss his new big-dick-friendly activities goodbye. Suggestion: A good soap-and-hot-water cleaning regimen before sex can dramatically lower risk, as can emptying your bladder immediately after sex. Hopefully your advice can add great sex to the list of enjoyable activities this couple can share.
Bladder Unappreciative Of Rear-touching Nookie
I too am "cursed" with a big cock. In a previous sexuality, my ex-wife would often complain that I hit her in the cervix. Of course it's a huge psychological trip when you know your pleasure can hurt your partner. It took me a year after I came out of the closet and settled in with my current same-sex partner before I could enjoy aggressive penetrative sex. Apparently the plumbing is different on the other side. Blowjobs are still an issue, though. I have only a couple of times encountered anyone who could deep-throat me. Oh well.
Morning Wood
I was once in the same spot as AWOL's girl. I bet a lot of people will write in saying "foreplay," but if AWOL and his girl's sex difficulties have been going on for a year, she probably gets way too anxious to be turned on long before penetration. It might be worth several sessions focusing 100 percent on pleasing her (hands, mouth, whatever). Then once she's used to that relaxing her, it can be used to prep her for actual sex.
No Name
I can personally advocate training, for both cunt and mouth. If she's open to toys, there you go. For mouth, I actually did exercises—just hanging my mouth open for as long as I could stand (warning: it gets annoying because your mouth gets dry!); sticking my tongue out as far as I could in different directions; stretching my jaw down as far as I could and holding it for counts of 10, then 20, then 30, then a minute, then a whole song on the radio. I used to do it in the car. Be advised that anatomy does have some limits. You can make yourself more flexible, but you can't reshape your jaw.
BTW, AWOL, have you sat her down and told her that you don't like that sex with you hurts her? And that you want to do everything you can to help make sure both of you have enjoyable sex? She might really need to hear that!
Former Anatomical Victim
This is in response to AWOL, whose cock is too big for his girlfriend. I've had the same problem with a couple girlfriends in the past. Aside from technique, i.e., too fast and too hard, the best answer is a high-quality lubricant. Try Adam and Eve's personal gel lubricant. It's water based and doesn't contain glycerin (based on animal fat) or propylene glycol (used in antifreeze) which can both cause irritation. Also, keep in mind that if you stick with her and have kids she's going to loosen up after that. Good luck.
Well Hung In Middleton
I'm a tight woman married to a big-dicked man. The key to great vaginal sex for us is lots of extra lube. I produce enough natural lubrication to accommodate a small-to-average cock, but I need a little help to make room for the big guy. Using lube makes the difference between being sore the next morning or waking him up for some more.
Satisfied Lady
You are doing AWOL's petite lady a grave disservice by not mentioning how much magic a little lube can work! We used to have the same issue, to the point that I was making up excuses to avoid sex—it felt like I was being punched in the abdomen over and over during and I was rubbed so raw there was often blood in my urine afterward—until I got over the whole "Lube's for dried-up old hags!" mindset. This mindset afflicts a large number of us breeder gals—you might not have noticed but along with along with the unattainable beauty standards we're subjected to from birth, we're also given the impression that we should be wet as monsoon season at the drop of a hat if we're any kind of real woman. Along with the smoother ride came longer, more frequent bouts and, in turn, more elasticity. Kegels help there, too. I still can't deep throat but it doesn't seem to matter as much to him now that I'm an enthusiastic rather than cowering participant, and what was almost a deal breaker is a large part (ha ha) of what's kept us happy for so long.
Giant Cock Knocks My Tiny Giny's Socks Off
Right on with the answer to AWOL! I have an additional suggestion for helping his girlfriend and him enjoy fellatio more. Some sex shops sell a kind of thick, jelly-like penis sleeve with a snug opening that's intended for men to use while masturbating. For couples where there's a size differential (or even if the partner just has gagging issues), you can just lube up the sleeve with something that tastes nice, slide it on, and go to town. Apparently, it's a very nice substitute. The party host had us lube up fingers and slip them in, and by golly, it felt a LOT like the real thing.
M.A.
I just wanted to comment on AWOL's letter. I'm a woman that had a similar problem once. It was so painful for me to have sex that I finally went to a specialist, who diagnosed me with vestibulitis. She gave me some medicated cream to help with the pain and "dilators" (essentially dildos) to stretch out the muscles, which had clamped down so tightly that she had to use a pediatric speculum to examine me. (For the record, I am not "petite"—I'm six feet tall!) The cream and toys helped some, but I was still so tight that I couldn't really have sex with my husband, who is well endowed.
The solution finally came when my husband and I decided to get a vibrator. The sensations and motion of the vibrator make it impossible to "clench" and loosened up the muscles for sex! Now I don't have any problems if my husband warms me up with the vibrator first, and I can sometimes even do it without the warm-up. So, tell AWOL to go to a sex-toy website and buy his girlfriend a present.
No Longer AWOL
The shyness of AWOL's girlfriend and her reluctance is almost certainly making things harder. Maybe AWOL and his girl should try smoking up some. Or share a bottle of wine before getting it on. Or extend the foreplay, go down on her, and give her a couple of orgasms, which will relax her and loosen her up. Unless his cock is a true freak of nature, almost any cunt should have the physical ability to take it fully and comfortably, with enough preparation.
Ultimately, though, she's gotta be willing to work with him, and try to relax herself. If she can't do that, despite his best efforts, it's just not gonna work.
Don't Blame the Cock
I've had the same problem as AWOL's girlfriend—been with guys whose cocks were way too big to suck or to even take in my vagina for extended periods of time. They made adjustments similar to what you advised, Dan, but our sex life were definitely not as good as it would have been if we'd been better matched size-wise. I missed the prolonged, ecstatic fucking as much as AWOL seems to.
I could take a guy with a large cock for a whole lot longer if he used a super-slow stroke. I think that women's vaginas open up a lot more way into a session than people realize. It's not like 10 minutes of cunnilingus and she's wet, and that's as big as she gets. I mean, how do people get used to fisting, after all? AWOL might have to work at being more, umm, tantric.
Been There Done That
I'm in the same position as AWOL's girlfriend—a petite woman with a tight pussy and a man whose cock could break me. (It's almost as thick as my wrist.) Your advice was pretty dead-on, especially the "focus on the clit" part, but there were a couple other things AWOL could do, too.
AWOL should focus heavily on the foreplay; in fact, the best thing he could probably do is finger his girlfriend into an orgasm before sex. She'll be good and wet, which will make entry a lot easier. Her pussy will be loosened and relaxed, too, so it can accommodate his dick better. Vaginas can stretch—ask any woman who's had a natural birth. But, they have to be "prepped" first. She'll also be a lot more relaxed herself after having an orgasm, and that'll go a long way toward her enjoying the sex.
As for the oral-sex dilemma--they should try the 69 position. She'll have an easier time sucking him off that way (no weird angles to worry about), and he'll be getting her off at the same time.
One thing AWOL should know, though, is that he may have to work her over a long time to get his 15 minutes—at least at first. The most important thing is that she really enjoys herself. If she comes at least once every time they have sex, she'll be more and more willing to be giving herself, and to experiment with different methods that will be enjoyable for both of them.
Orgasms Work Wonders
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