by Dan Savage
I have a laptop at home. On occasion my best friend/roommate uses it to check her e-mail. On rare occasions her boyfriend uses it to check his e-mail—or so I thought.
I have some naughty pics on my computer. They're not on my desktop, so you can't accidentally open one. I never felt a need to secure them because, hey, it's my computer. The other day I went to "recent items" and a bunch of JPEGS were listed—pics of my tits, ass, panties, etc. I thought, hmm, maybe I brought those pics up and just don't remember? But yesterday there were more of my private pictures in "recent items."
My best friend/roommate isn't bisexual and has always respected my privacy, so it seems clear that her boyfriend has been looking at my pics. I'm embarrassed, my feelings are hurt, and I'm annoyed. I want to confront the culprit, but should I? Do I tell my best friend/roommate? I want to rip someone a new one but I don't want to destroy my best friend/roommate's relationship. Chicks flip over shit like this. What should I do? Besides securing my naughty photos in the future, of course. Lesson learned there!
Seeking Out Peeping Tom
He's already seen your ass, SOPT, so why not write "Fuck you, [his name here]!" on your ass with a black Sharpie, take some pics, and leave them on your laptop for your best friend/roommate's boyfriend to find? When they pop up in "recent items," SOPT, tear him that new asshole—the next time you see him alone. Then stuff this warning up it: If he so much as touches your laptop again, you'll tell his girlfriend what he's been up to.
And here's hoping he wasn't up to e-mailing your photos to his friends, ESPN.com, mygirlfriendshotroommate.com, or any one of the three trillion amateur porn sites out there. Modern technology has placed the means of porn production in all of our hands, people, granting each and every one of us the power to take unlimited pics of our asses, tits, panties, etc. But with great power comes great responsibility. If you don't want your dirty pics made public, you need to secure them. Password on the laptop, kids, dirty discs under lock and key. Because once an internet porn star, always an internet porn star.
For the past three years I have been in a stable relationship with a great guy. Our relationship is uneventful. He is always there for me; he has never cheated on me. It is the kind of relationship that some girls dream of. The sex is okay.
But I'm only 24 and I'm feeling suffocated. A coworker and I recently started to do things socially. We have a lot in common and have a great time together. This past weekend, we admitted that we were attracted to each other. We ended up kissing. He is in a relationship and isn't thinking about leaving. So it would work out perfectly; we could be like fuck buddies.
I am feeling conflicted. If it goes further with my coworker, I don't think I would tell my boyfriend because I don't want to hurt him. But I wanted to get your feelings on getting some on the side. What are the pros and cons of cheating?
Some On The Side
The pros? Sex, excitement, variety. The cons? Discovery, breakup, hellfire. Every idiot knows those pros and cons, SOTS, including you.
But here's a pro that's rarely acknowledged: Sometimes cheating can save a long-term relationship. Sometimes only cheating makes it possible for a sexually rejected partner to stay in a relationship that's worth preserving for other good, valid reasons—like kids, for instance. And sometimes only cheating makes it possible for a person whose partner has a chronic, debilitating illness to stay put and stay sane. In these cases, cheating isn't just the right thing to do; it's the decent and honorable thing to do.
Some fuckwits, of course, piously insist that Cheating Is Always Wrong. To the CIAW crowd, I say this: Fuck you, you self-righteous Pollyanna fucktards. I am so sick of CIAW types insisting with one breath that sex and sexual exclusivity are hugely important. Even the contemplation of an affair, to say nothing of its consummation, represents an unforgivable betrayal. And then in the very next breath, CIAWers insist that sex is so unimportant, so colossally trivial, that a person should be able to go without—forever!—if their mate is unwilling or incapable.
You can't have it both ways, CIAWers. If sex is hugely important then people can't be faulted for wanting some; if it's unimportant then it shouldn't be seen as a huge betrayal when some poor fuckers, under duress, are forced to get their needs met elsewhere.
That said, SOTS, I'm not gonna give you a pass. You're not done with sex, he's not dying, you don't have kids—cheating under your particular circumstances can't be justified. Regardless of what happens with your coworker, SOTS, you need to end this relationship. You're not all that attracted to your boyfriend emotionally or physically, and you don't have the kind of entanglements—biological or durational—to rationalize having a fuck buddy. You need to do the right thing, SOTS, and break up with this guy.
I blew it! For a long time I've thought my brother was gay. He was using my computer the other day and gay.com was in the history, so I found his profile. In the sexuality section, he said he was gay. He's only 15, but at the top of his friends list he had two 40-year-old guys. I got worried, so I decided to have a talk. I said something along the lines of it doesn't matter if you're gay, I just don't think you should be hanging around 40-year-olds. I was thinking he would be relieved. However, he replied that he wasn't gay! I didn't know what to say! Can you act gay, talk gay, and have a profile on gay.com that says you're gay and NOT be gay?
Screwed That Up Completely, Kiddo
You can act gay and talk gay and not be gay. But you can't act gay, talk gay, and put up profiles on gay.com without actually being gay. At that point you've jumped the rainbow-striped shark.
You didn't blow it, STUCK. You told your brother exactly what he needs to hear—stay the hell away from the 40-year-old gay men—and he panicked and denied it. Give him a little time, STUCK, and he'll calm down and come clean. And I'll bet he'll come out to you first, seeing as you already know.
Oh, and to the gay men out there who think it's just terrible when I tell 15-year-old gay boys to stay the fuck away from 40-year-old gay men, I'd like to say this: Fuck off, you stupid faggots. My advice to gay teenagers about middle-aged gay men is neither self-hating nor evidence of my internalized homophobia. I give the exact same advice to straight 15-year-old girls about 40-year-old straight men. Yes, some gay teenagers are attracted to older gay men. And, yes, those teenagers, once they're legal, have every right to seek out sex partners. But gay teens into gay middle-aged men are few and far between, and the existence of a handful cannot be construed as an open invitation to hit on any and all gay teenagers.
A new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.