It’s That Slime Again!
New S.L.U.G. Queen wins in a close one
by Inka Bajandas
If Marie Antoinette were a slug, what would she hate more than salt and guillotines? According to Marie Slugtionette, it’s … saltines.
Marie Slugtoinette’s joke was one of many crude but clever slug jokes enjoyed by the large crowd — including a Wall Street Journal reporter — assembled at the Saturday Market stage one week before the start of the Eugene Celebration to see the extravagant costumes and crazy antics of S.L.U.G. Queen contestants at this year’s S.L.U.G queen coronation.
|Queen Marie Slugtoinette and her slug maiden. Photo: Todd Cooper|
Six contestants fought their way through the three rounds of the competition judged by former winners of the coveted title. The judges, all once reigning S.L.U.G. Queens (by convention, referred to as “old queens”) were joined by two celebrity judges: KMTR news anchor Kelli Warner and author Laurie Notaro, who wrote a book based on the S.L.U.G. Queen competition called There’s A (Slight) Chance I Might Be Going to Hell.
“The rules will be read by Queen Scarlett,” said Old Queen Slimelda before backpedaling and declaring, “There are no rules!” She reminded the crowd that anything goes in a S.L.U.G. Queen competition where contestants can be a man, woman or even an actual slug — and bribes for judges are not only accepted but encouraged.
With that established, the first round of the competition could begin as each contestant was introduced on stage to show off their flashy costumes. Ambassador Mucous Molluscadia was a hermaphrodite, a bearded man on one side of his/her body and a blonde woman wearing a dress on the other. Mona Zygota followed as a two-headed silver slug with the slogan “half the effort, twice the slime.”
Impluvius Maximus showed up in a short purple dress festooned with small white balloons and bare feet adorned with turquoise toenail polish. Then Marie Slugtoinette paraded her way onstage complete with a tall white wig and royal entourage including three little girls to hold her train. Slugawatha kept it casual with a look reminiscent of Plains Native American attire, and finally a chestnut horse appeared next to the stage bearing the last contestant, Lady Slugiva, who wore a black-and-brown spotted skintight full body suit with a leopard print bra on top.
Once the contestants were introduced, the talent portion began — which, despite the fact that there are no rules, had a strict three-minute time limit enforced by an official time keeper complete with a wall clock around his neck à la Flava Flav. He repeatedly blew a loud whistle when time was up until the contestant relinquished the microphone. All the contestants sang a song except for Impluvius Maximus, who did a magic show with metal rings and balloons. Songs included a slug version of “The Age of Aquarius” as “The Age of Androgynous” by Ambassador Mucous Molluscadia, praising androgyny and harmony among the sexes as is enjoyed by hermaphroditic slugs. Marie Slugtoinette sang of her desire to be S.L.U.G. Queen, “Hey there S.L.U.G. Queen, give your slimy crown to me,” she sang to the crowd’s loud approval. Lady Slugiva was also a crowd favorite with her rendition of “Summertime” with a slimy twist, called “Summerslime.”
Finally it was time for the all-important Q&A part of the competition as each contestant chose a different question from a can to answer. Marie Slugtoinette’s was, “If you were a slug in Obama’s garden, how would you make change?” to which she replied that she’d make the garden salt free.
Last minute bribes were also announced and given. Marie Slugtoinette presented the judges with a bronze slug shaped sceptor and cake (other, more major bribes of hers include the S.L.U.G. Queen website and S.L.U.G. art show), while Lady Slugiva announced that anytime she had a gig, a judge could give her any topic they wished and she’d sing a song about it that night.
After a short intermission the judges were ready to announce the newest S.L.U.G. Queen … Marie Slugtoinette! Runner-up was the bodacious Lady Slugiva and second runner-up Ambassador Mucous Molluscadia.
“Merci, merci beaucoup,” said the winner.
“I’ve been working on this all year,” she said, promising “gastropodcasts” in the future on the S.L.U.G. Queen website (www.slugqueeneugene.com).
She finished by saying, “Thank you so much. See you next year — wait, what am I talking about? See you next week!”
Eugene Celebration 2008
It’s That Slime Again! New S.L.U.G. Queen wins in a close one
Event Junkies Volunteers put the Eugene in EC
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The Official Eugene Celebration Site Schedule, Map, Directions and more