Cool Off With Your Brain Off V
If cinematic sequels don’t get spiffy subtitles, then neither do we
by Molly Templeton
|Sex and the City 2|
|The Sorcerer’s Apprentice|
In this, the fifth year of Fun Times Previewing Shitty Summer Movies, Hollywood has gone and made my job just that much harder. How, you ask? By taking two steps: 1. They’ve started releasing the truly idiotic movies earlier, so I can’t happily “preview” them while being safe from having to actually watch the things and 2. They’ve added extra stupid to big, brand name films, thereby allowing you, the blind, directionless audience, to be fooled into thinking you ought to see them. Sex and the City 2 is just a February rom-com with a big budget and couple of pink cocktails. Prince of Persia is Mortal Kombat. Robin Hood is a desperate attempt by a once-relevant actor-director pair to recreate Gladiator, which wasn’t actually that good in the first place. You get my drift.
Sex and the City 2: We Can’t Be Bothered With a Title, So Have a Nice Numeral I suppose S&TC2: The Sands of Time was taken. Look, every time I’ve tried to watch this show, I find myself nearly sliding off the couch because I’ve sunk into a terrible slouch of horror and can no longer locate my backbone. So no. No, I haven’t watched the movie. And why would I, when there are reviews as efficiently eviscerating as that written by The Stranger’s Lindy West, who ended her tirade, “If this is what modern womanhood means, then just fucking veil me and sew up all my holes. Good night.” You can enjoy her full vicious brilliance at http://wkly.ws/l1
Grown Ups SPOILER ALERT: Dudes will get their junk crushed. Don’t believe me? The last shot in the trailer is a guy swinging into a tree. That’s some clever shit right there.
Piranha 3D Are we sure this isn’t a SyFy Original movie of the week? Like Ice Spiders and Sharks in Venice?
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse Fish, barrel. Like … KStew! Is being torn apart! By … glowering supernatural men! Who LOVE her! Also, the evil redheaded vampire will now be played by Bryce Dallas Howard. And evil Dakota Fanning … RETURNS! What does Bella do? Whine? Bite her lip? Find herself mesmerized by RPattz’ hair? Really, who isn’t?
The Sorcerer’s Apprentice I love Jay Baruchel as much as the next nerd-sucker who wept at How to Train Your Dragon, but nothing about this preview can distract me from Nicolas Cage’s incredible hair. No, I lied! The IMDb.com writeup includes the phrase “National Treasure mastermind Jon Turteltaub.” Have these people actually seen National Treasure? Perhaps they meant evil mastermind, as in “Evil mastermind making schlocky Indiana Jones knockoffs that adventure-starved moviegoers will briefly tolerate yet instantly forget.”
Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore Just what kids’ movies need: James Bond references that no one wants to explain to the wee’uns to whom crap like this is shamelessly marketed.
The Expendables The Losers got there first.
You Again Kristen Bell: not doing so well post-Veronica Mars’ college years. Remember when she was so good on Deadwood? Remember Veronica, for that matter? We’re really fond of Veronica. We’re less fond of Bell in tripe like this “comedy” in which her character is so not over high school that she freaks when her brother plans to marry a mean girl. I don’t care how many classy broads (Sigourney Weaver, Betty White, Kristen Chenoweth, Jamie Lee Curtis) are packed into this one. The premise is beneath all of ‘em.
Marmaduke Because Marley and Me didn’t fulfill Owen Wilson’s desire to appear in dog movies. More tragically: Lee Pace is in this. Lee, why have you forsaken us, your fangirls who’ve been so charmed by your smart turns in Pushing Daisies and The Fall? Don’t play with us like that. I know you were also in a straight-to-video horror flick with Buffy Sarah Michelle Gellar Prinze. I can pretend that didn’t happen. This is harder to ignore.