The Adjustment Bureau: About a team of crack undergarment designers who are given 48 hours to solve the age-old problem of "the angle of the dangle” ã i.e. mens briefs that refuse to comply with the natural slant of a mans junk. Starring Matt Damon and my girlfriend, Emily Blunt. PG-13. 99 min.
Battle: Los Angeles: Hell, the aliens can have Los Angeles for all I care. After that they should head south to San Diego. PG-13. 114 min.
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Roderick Rules: If wimpy kids want to stop being wimpy, they might want to start by throwing away the diary. I mean, diaries are for girls, right? Unless the wimpy kid in question is totally gay and in the closet ã which is totally okay ã in which case he might want to check out Dan Savages new book, It Gets Better: Coming Out, Overcoming Bullying, and Creating a Life Worth Living (www.itgetsbetter.org). Good stuff, girlfriend! PG. 96 min.
Hop: In this animated seasonal film hippity hopping just in time for Christs annual resurrection, a jelly bean-pooping Easter Bunny (voiced by Russell Brand) is hit by a car. Better than being nailed to a cross, I suppose. Anyhow, its up to the dude wo ran over E.B. to save Easter. Directed by Tim Hill, a former writer for SpongeBob SquarePants. PG (Why? Because the bunny shits jelly bellies?). 90 min.
Insidious: Apparently, James Wan, who directed the first Saw ã which wasnt bad ã wanted to distance himself from the endless barrage of "torture porn” movies he unleashed (Saw II through Saw XXII: Blacker & Deckerer, or whatever), so hes made an old-fashioned haunted house story that is getting pretty good reviews so far. In the genre of horror, "pretty good” is about as good as it gets, meaning you should see this one. PG-13. 102 min.
The Lincoln Lawyer: In this speculative sci-fi flick, Matthew McConaughey stars as the lawyer to the 16th President of the United States who ã in an alternate universe ã traded seats at the last minute with his wife at Fords Theatre and is now mired in a wrongful death lawsuit involving John Wilkes Booth (Robert Duvall), Ulysses S. Grant (Mickey Rourke) and the family of Mary Todd Lincoln. A procedural drama with an insider baseball kick. R. 119 min.
Limitless: Bradley Cooper takes drugs that make him believe he can do anything. I saw an Afterschool Special about this once where a kid smoked PCP and thought he could fly by jumping off a roof. It didnt scare me off drugs, but then again, I can already fly. PG-13. 105 min.
Paul: New flick directed by Greg Mottola (Adventureland, Superbad) in which the ubiquitous Seth Rogen gives voice to an alien discovered by two dudes near the fabled Area 52. Written by the guys who brought you Hot Fuzz and Shaun of the Dead. R. 104 min.
Red Riding Hood: My, Amanda Seyfried, what big eyes you have! What big, swollen, pouty lips you have! Are you warm enough in that little red riding hood? Yeah? Okay, never mind. Just checking. PG-13. 109 min.
Source Code: On paper, this looks like crap: A soldier wakes up in the body of a commuter who witnessed a train explosion. Egad! Except its got Jake Gyllenhaal in it, and its directed by Duncan Jones (son of David Bowie), whose last movie, Moon, which ã thanks to great directing and Sam Rockwells powerhouse performance ã was one of the best sci-fi movies of the past 10 years. PG-13. 93 min.
Sucker Punch: See Molly Templetons absolutely brilliant and scathing review in this issue, and find out why Hollywood continues to have such a difficult time pulling its swollen head out of its anorexic ass. PG-13. 120 min.