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Eugene Weekly : Savage Love : 5.26.11




I am a bi woman happily married to a straight man, and we both "participate” in hot sexy times with other women during threesomes. Its hard to find hot 30ish bi girls where we live, but the encounters weve had were for the most part excellent. Everything was great until three weeks ago, when we had a miscarriage. Wed been trying for almost two years, so the recovery is not just physical but emotional for both of us.

We were only recently given the go-ahead to have sex again. We have a well-rounded sex lifeãkink, BDSM, toysãand both of us have said that, just for right now, were not looking for anything more than just us.

I went to the computer this morning to find that my husband had left his e-mail open. His inbox was filled with replies to recent queries sent to girls looking for couples to hook up with. His e-mails to these girls ask what gets them hot and when/where we can all hook up, and they state that his wife is really excited about f-ing her. Im probably overreacting due to all the extra hormones, but hes lying to them, and Im not sure what hes doing to me.

Confused & Hormonal

Im so sorry for your loss, C&H. A miscarriage when you're trying to conceive is an utterly heartbreaking experience. My heart goes out to youãboth of you.

Two things in your letter leaped out at me: "Its hard to find hot 30ish bi girls where we live” and "Both of us have said that, just for right now, were not looking for anything more than just us.” And one thing that isnt in your letter leaped out at me: You found no evidence that your husband was planning to meet up with any of these girls alone. He isnt cheating and wasnt planning to. He was making very tentative, vague plans for the three of you to get together at some point in the future. And that isnt gonna happenãthat cant happenãuntil you're ready, right?

So heres what your husband is guilty of: He is looking forwardãtoo soon and too eagerlyãto the time when you're ready to start having threesomes again. And it looks like he was trying to dig up one of those "hard to find” hot 30ish bi girls so that when you were ready for "more than just us,” a hot 30ish bi girl would be all lined up.

Was that a shitty thing for him to do? Perhaps. But again, C&H, all you discovered was evidence that your husband was making plans for sexy times at some indefinite point in the future. And are you sure he understands that just looking is out-of-bounds? Perhaps when you said, "Were not looking for anyone else right now,” he heard, "Were not sleeping with anyone else right now.”

As upsetting as it was to find those e-mails, I think your husband deserves some credit for beingÄ considerate. Your miscarriage was no doubt upsetting for him, too, C&H, but it didnt impact his sexual interests or needs the way it impacted yours. But he didnt push the issue. He didnt put any pressure on youãhe didnt even bring the subject up. All he did was put some feelers out and do a little online flirting and planning. Half the fun is to plan the plan, as Mrs. Lovett once said, so he probably enjoyed those e-mail exchanges. But he didnt tell you about them because there was no way to talk about them without making you feel pressured.

So lets pretend that you never ran across those e-mails, C&H. Lets imagine that six months or a year from now, you're starting to feel the urge to have some sexy times with a hot 30ish bi girl. And you go to your husband, who has been patient and understanding, and you say, "I think Im ready to have a threesome again.” And your loving, kinky, considerate husband replies, "Hey, thats great. Ive been chatting with a few hot 30ish bi girls online I thought you might like. You wanna see their pictures?”

You probably wouldnt have said, "YOU ASSHOLE! You werent even supposed to be LOOKING until I said so!” Im thinking its much more likely that you wouldve said something like "My husband is the best.”



Im about to move in with my boyfriend of four years. Hes still very attracted to me, but my attraction to him has faded. I think the anxiety of finally moving in together caused something to snap. I went out for innocent drinks with a colleague and ended up back at his place. I love my boyfriend, but Im still giddy from the hot sex with my colleague. Im confused! Especially because I dont feel guiltyãI feel great! I have no plans to tell the BF, a man I love very much and dont want to hurt. What do I do now?

Girl Hot Tin Roof

Unless you're planning to put your boyfriend painlessly to sleep in the very near future, GHTR, theres no way to avoid hurting him. you're not really in love with him, you're not attracted to him, and the longer you drag this relationship out, GHTR, the greater the hurt will be once you finally screw up the courage to dump him, or more likely, once he discovers the truth on his own. I would tell you to DTMFA, but you're the MF in this scenario, not him. End it.



THE CHOICER CHALLENGE: Last week, the leader of British Columbias Conservative Party, John Cummins, told a radio interviewer that gay people shouldnt be covered by the BC Human Rights Act because being gay is "a conscious choice.”

Like truthers (9/11 was an inside job!), birthers (Barack Obama was born in Kenya!), and deathers (Osama bin Laden is alive and well and living in West Hollywood!), choicers would appear to be just another group of deranged conspiracy theorists who cant be dissuaded by science or evidence or facts. And John Cummins isnt the only choicer out there. We have lots of choicers right here in the United States (Tony Perkins, Rick Santorum, "Stephen Colbert", et al.).

But what if the choicers are right? What if being gay is something people consciously choose? Gee, if only there were a way for choicers to prove that theyre right and everyone else is wrongÄ actually, there is a way for choicers to prove that theyre right!

I hereby publicly inviteãI publicly challengeãJohn Cummins to prove that being gay is a choice by choosing it himself.

Suck my dick, John.

Im completely serious about this, John. you're not my typeãyoure about as far from my type as a human being without a vagina getsãbut I have just as much interest as you do in seeing this gay-is-a-choice argument resolved once and for all. You name the time and the place, John, and Ill show up with my dick and a camera crew. Then you can show the world how its done. You can demonstrate how this "conscious choice” is made. You can flip the switch, John, make the choice, then sink to your boney old knees and suck my dick. And after youve swallowed my load, John, well upload the video to the internet and youll be a hero to other choicers everywhere.

Its time to put your mouth where your mouth is, John. If being gay is a choice, choose it. Show us how its done.

Suck my dick.



Download the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.

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