• Eugene Weekly Loves You!
Share |

Lighten Up

July 3, 2014

A question to the 5-4 U.S. Supreme Court: Tell us again why corporations can avoid paying for contraception in their health-care plans if doing so would violate their sincerely held religious beliefs, but we mortals cannot avoid paying taxes to finance wars that violate ours?

June 26, 2014

Those blacked-out pages that the Lane County commissioners and the UO folks have been providing in response to public record requests may appear to be worthless, but they are great for covering ass. 

June 5, 2014

The city is spending a lot of money to see what happens if it shuts down two of the four travel lanes on South Willamette and adds bike lanes on the outer edges. Motorists turning right would need to cross a bike lane, thereby setting up a risky auto/bike dance. One result is likely to be a hike in insurance premiums. But what are the mysterious unmet needs this plan is trying to address? If I had to guess, it would be: 1) Motorists want more than a shopping experience along South Willamette. They also want a memorable driving experience.

May 22, 2014

After Oklahoma botched an execution using lethal injection, at least one other state is thinking about bringing back the firing squad. That might actually be a step forward if juries that impose the death penalty are required to serve as members of the squad.

May 8, 2014

Any driverless car Google develops that successfully navigates city streets while avoiding jaywalkers, weaving bicyclists, distracted drivers and loose animals, is qualified to be president.

April 24, 2014

If you are going to create a monopoly on beverage sales at the UO, Bigfoot is the right name for the company to run it.

April 10, 2014

The Eugene City Council won’t be nominated for a Mother Teresa award this year. A few days ago the city tore down a functioning homeless camp — before having an alternative site available — and dumped the camp’s desperate residents on the street. The technical term for the thinking behind such a move is DUMB, DUMB, DUMB. Don’t we already get enough dumb from the Supreme Court? 

April 3, 2014

Eugene City Councilor Chris Pryor claims that for purposes of city aid there are the people homeless by circumstances and people homeless by choice. The first group deserves some city help, as long as it costs no money. The second group does not deserve the time of day, and as the theory goes, they are not technically homeless. Its members have chosen to sleep in doorways and under bridges in rain and snow — presumably, for the hell of it.

March 20, 2014

Bank robbery photos are pretty bad. You would never want to frame one.

March 6, 2014

Opponents of gay marriage are trying to get a measure before Oregon voters that would allow florists, photographers and bakers to refuse to provide goods or services for same-sex weddings. Supporters say that providing these things to such events would violate their members’ “deeply held religious beliefs.” I’m wondering what religion would cast a person into hell for baking a cake.

February 27, 2014

Perhaps the best news coming out of the just-released auditor’s report on the shenanigans in Lane County government is that the Republicans on the Board of County Commissioners acted more like Sarah Palin than like Chris Christie.

February 20, 2014

The latest Republican charge against Obamacare is that it will make people lazy. That’s speculation. What we already know is that just the thought of Obamacare has made conservatives crazy.

January 23, 2014

Those who think the city has no plan for dealing with the Whoville homeless camp are wrong. The city has a well-thought-out plan. Step one is to let the camp operate for several months while keeping an eye on it. If only a few problems show up, close the camp down. For best results, close it before there is an alternative site available. This way 50 homeless people get dumped onto the downtown streets where they can get busy actually creating some problems. The beauty of it would impress Chris Christie.

January 16, 2014

If the reason the Lane County commissioners are not releasing the Richardson report is to avoid lawsuits, what are they calling the court proceedings filed over the report first by the local paper and now by former commissioner Bill Fleenor?

January 9, 2014

Humor is everywhere. This came from a church bulletin: “The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday from 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.”

January 2, 2014

Looking for a needle in a haystack is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Are you listening, NSA? 

December 26, 2013

I read that some countries are switching to plastic money. It’s about time. The stuff people will spend it on has been made out of plastic for years.

December 19, 2013

Rush Limbaugh’s calling Pope Francis a Marxist for criticizing capitalism is no big deal. That’s just Rush getting bent out of shape when he feels someone has attacked his religion.

December 12, 2013

After this past weekend, I’m glad that most folks in the climate-change movement have stopped referring to it as global warming.

November 27, 2013

The story that recycled bottles are made into new ones turns out to be a myth. It ranks up there with the one that the toilet was invented by Thomas Crapper.

November 14, 2013

The mess involving the nation’s new health insurance websites makes us wonder how we managed health care before Al Gore invented the internet.

November 7, 2013

When the shepherd wants to know what his sheep think of his ideas on gay marriage, birth control and other social issues, you know there is a new kind of pope in town. 

October 24, 2013

If President Lyndon Johnson had been around to see the House Republicans refusing to reopen the government until they got some concession for their efforts, he would have advised them, “While you’re saving your face you’re losing your ass.”

October 17, 2013

The bad news is that the Congress members who shut down the government are still being paid. The good news is that the nation no longer needs an immigration plan. The Republicans have the country so screwed up that even immigrants here legally have begun to self-deport.