BY GUSTAVO ARELLANO
SPECIAL YEAR-END EDITION
Dear Mexican: I was driving home on old King Road in San Jose, where a bunch of Mexicans live, and I noticed that almost every house has its Christmas lights still hanging from the rafters and reindeer and Santa Claus decorations weathered by the hot sun on the roofs. It’s the middle of May, ¿qué onda? I took it one step further, ‘cuz I figure I have to have another source for my research. I went down on White Road (but only browns live there!). Same thing—X-mas lights hanging. Is my gente so festive that it’s hard to get over the holiday cheer? I mean, my mom would give me nalgadas if I didn’t take ours down the day after the Reyes came and went. Your thoughts on this holiday phenomena? — Confused Wab
Dear Wab: Mexicans never get over the Navidad because we never stop partying — everyone knows that! In fairness, our celebration of the winter holidays goes on much longer than gabacho Christians. We start off with Las Posadas, a recreation of Mary and Joseph’s search for lodging in Bethlehem that occurs daily for eight days up until Christmas Eve and always involves caroling, piñatas, and pozole. Christmas Eve brings the Rosary at an aunt’s house, tamales, and flirting with your second cousin; Misa del Gallo (Rooster’s Mass) celebrates the birth of the Nazarene at midnight and follows with more food. The actual Christmas holiday is an afterthought, because Mexican kiddies traditionally don’t receive their presents until Jan. 6 — what gabachos call Epiphany, and Mexicans deem el Día de los Reyes Magos (The Feast Day of the Magi). Then comes the cruelest form of child abuse Mexican parents cab inflict on their niños — giving them an Xbox 360 package stuffed with … underwear and socks.
I asked you a question a couple of months ago. I don’t regularly read your column, so can you email me to let me know when it’s going to run? — Chula in Chula Vista
Dear Readers: For my year-end column, I usually run a question where someone calls me a pussy for not answering their misspelled rant. But over the past year, I’ve received variants of the above pregunta much more often. The answer ultimately remains the same: patience, gabachos, negritos, chinitos, mariposas, wabs, and everyone else who reads this column: patience. The ¡Ask a Mexican! archives is now about 260 pages of preguntas I’ve yet to answer. To specifically contestar the above question: lo siento, but I will not alert you when I finally get to your query — who do you think I am, a pinche Google alert? Nor will I individually answer you, as that would cut into my salary and I’d then have to take up my second job at the corner of 7-11 selling fake phone cards. However, my promise remains: I will eventually respond in my column, whether in a week or in a couple of years. It’s your duty to read the Mexican, week in, week out, until I get there, and continue to spread my Gospel in the meanwhile.
And ustedes have done an amazing job of that. 2008 has seen the Mexican invade 39 newspapers so that more than two million people read the dead-tree edition of this column and muchos more online. Gracias, thank you, thank you for all your nice words, angry screeds, and spicy señoritas who become my MySpace friends; without your support, I’d be fighting a Guatemalan for a broom. The Mexican will be in Mexico next week trying to smuggle in the last of his relatives into los Estados Unidos, so a Best of column will appear in its place; after that week, though, back to your queries about dwarves, anal sex, and what that has to do with corn tortillas. Feliz Navidad, Próspero Año Nuevo, and don’t let la migra catch you!