by Dan Savage
I have some concerns about my cuckold fetish that you did not address in a recent column on the subject. Aspects of my particular fantasy are prevalent among people with this type of fetish, and they cause me guilt and shame.
I am white and all of my cuckold fantasies involve my future wife having sex with well-endowed black men. While this turns me on a great deal, part of me feels guilty. My fantasy is horribly objectifying and racist, is it not? It requires treating another human being like a piece of meat. But the rational part of me, the part that tells me these fantasies are improper, is no match for my inner urges. I can’t seem to stop fantasizing about this. In all other aspects of my life I consider myself to be quite progressive.
What can I do about my fantasy? My hope is that these urges will go away over time, but I doubt this will be the case.
Can’t Understand Cuckold Kink
You bet your cracker ass your fantasy is racist, CUCK.
For centuries, white men—not all white men, mind you, but enough that white men should be embarrassed for all time—have obsessed about the supposed sexual superiority of black men. Whitey fear big black dick, rampaging Mandingos, white women coming down with jungle fever and getting their chifforobes busted up, etc. These fears inspire feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, and paranoia—and white men have typically compensated for these fears through acts of violence. Not for nothing was castration the first order of business at many a lynching.
But guess what? When given a choice between being lynched and being offered a white man’s woman, CUCK, 10 out of 10 black men surveyed prefer the latter. That the same racist stereotypes that still inspire some white men to violence, pathetically enough, also inspire racially tinged cuckold fantasies in others has to be regarded as progress. Well, maybe not progress, per se, but until we stamp out racism once and for all (let’s all hold our breath, shall we?), better cuckold fantasies, acted on or not, than brutal, cold-blooded killings.
Can I get an “amen”?
But doesn’t enacting your fantasy require the complete objectification of a black man? Yes. And how can you reconcile that kind of racist objectification with your “progressive” values? By sucking on this: It’s really super racist of you, CUCK, to assume that black men are incapable of having the same subconscious erotic response to racist stereotypes that you did. There are tons of African-American guys out there who want to play the sexually dominant black stud to your sexually humiliated white cuckold—it took me less than a minute online to find three dozen men happy to help you out. How selfish of you, CUCK, not to mention how racist of you, to obsess about your own issues—the white cuckold’s burden—without giving so much as a thought to the needs of these black men. For shame.
And for the record, CUCK, there’s nothing wrong with treating someone like a piece of meat—provided you treat him like a human being before and after sex. Some people actually enjoy being treated like pieces of meat, and as long as the men you play with consent to being treated like meat, there’s nothing improper about it. Consent is, as I’ve written before, always and everywhere the magic ingredient. It makes BDSM not actual violence, it makes a facial not actual degradation, it makes a realized rape fantasy not actual rape. In your case, CUCK, the joyful consent of all involved—including your future wife (good luck with that)—makes the expression of your racist fantasy not an actual expression of racial animus.
To sum up, CUCK: As long as you understand the cultural forces that shaped your fantasy, as long as you don’t assume that all black men wanna bust up your wife’s chifforobe, and as long as you treat any black man who does want a crack at her chifforobe like a human being—and, what the hell, as long as you vote Democratic and donate $100 to the United Negro College Fund for every inch of black cock that gets slipped into your future wife—there’s nothing unethical about realizing your particular fantasy.
(You want an example of a highly unethical and distressingly common cuckold fantasy? Check this out: “Dom male seeking a true cuckold couple,” reads this personal ad. “He will watch me use her and please her. He will do clean-up duties after. I am also interested if she is fertile and wants to be bred in front of hubby. If bred, I will continue to use her throughout pregnancy. The cuck assumes all responsibility toward the child.” Where do I start? A child simply cannot possibly consent—in advance of conception!—to taking part in a lifelong role-play scenario. Cucks, bucks, bulls, and hot wives? I’ve got your backs—all your sweaty backs. Cuckold fantasies are fine, realizing them is finer. But leave conception and kids out of it. Christ!)
In your column on so-called “cuckolding,” I wish you had mentioned that many men (and women) share their partners for reasons other than a fetish or an eroticized fear. My partner’s sex adventures don’t turn me on, but I encourage her for four reasons:
1. It makes her happy.
2. It takes the pressure off me to satisfy her.
3. It liberates me to have other lovers, too, whether or not I act on that freedom.
4. She brings me the sexual energy she picks up on the outside, which has revitalized our sex life.
The thing is, the term “cuckold” is insulting, and it supports a terrible, life-destroying lie of our straight-male-dominated culture—that a man having sex with a woman in some way owns her. So when another man has sex with her, he’s robbing the first man of something. Sex should be about love and pleasure, not possession.
Keep Possession Out Of Love
For some folks, KPOOL, sex is about love and pleasure and possession—and there’s nothing necessarily unhealthy about the desire to possess someone. We should all understand, of course, that we can never truly possess another person, but we shouldn’t feel guilty when our hearts or genitals (women can feel possessive, too) feel a bit differently. Human beings should be rational (“I know I don’t own you”) about the irrational feelings love inspires (“I own your ass!”). It’s not a crime when some folks eroticize those possessive feelings, like cuckolds (yes, the term is insulting—that’s part of the turn-on), or toy with them, like anyone who’s ever gotten a thrill watching his or her partner flirt with someone else.
However, my boyfriend has a “Property of Dan Savage” tattoo in a secret undisclosed location, so perhaps I’m just being defensive.
I read your response to the woman whose husband has a cuckold fetish. But what if it’s the other way around? I know that my husband is highly monogamous, so I have never mentioned it directly, but I would love the chance to screw other guys. How do I explain that I only want one love in my life (him), but I would also like more cocks in my life?
Wanna Cuckold Him
You assume that your husband is highly monogamous, WCH, because he’s never told you otherwise. What if he’s assuming the same about you because you’ve never told him otherwise?
A new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.