Oly Moley! Those Girls Can Skate!

Emerald City’s Bullet Brains chases after Oly Rollers; Atomatrix, a former world champ speed skater. Photo courtesy of Jules Doyle.

In roller derby, skaters’ opinions are more eclectic than if you were to feed all the United Nations delegates, Country Fair regulars and Florida’s citizenry a pile of acid and ask them to describe heaven. But, in my travels within the sisterhood, I’ve found that all have heard of the Oly Rollers, and they all know this team from Olympia, Wash., could destroy them.

Consequently, Oly, currently ranked #1 in the world, has a hard time finding opponents. Enter our Western Region #11-ranked Emerald City Skatesaphrenics. Despite the seemingly insurmountable odds, the Skatesaphrenics agreed to face an opponent sporting three women who will skate for Team USA in this year’s roller derby World Cup. 

Believe it or not, the Skatesaphrenics pulled off a victory — a moral victory — during the Aug. 27 bout. They lost 268-30, but they were able to achieve small goals. Oly and Team USA blocker Sassy remarked on the Skatesaphrenics’ ability to maintain their composure under pressure. Other skaters on the businesslike Oly team expressed jealousy of the Skatesaphrenics’ ability to have fun.

The Skatesaphrenics’ top blocker for the game was Ophelia Melons, who literally hit the Oly skaters so hard her numbers rubbed off on them. Bullet Brains led the Skatesaphrenics with 16 points. Hard Times topped all Oly scorers with 77.— James Warmels