Cool Off With Your Brain Off IV:
No New Hope
Some of the air went out of my bad movie-hating sails when I saw Terminator Salvation. Wolverine being a letdown was bad enough; McG smashing any sense out of the Terminator franchise was somehow far more offensive. Could it still get worse than this, I wondered? Worse than sloppy worldbuilding, illogical sets and sheer stupidity on the part of characters that by all rights should have been dead half a dozen times before the movie ends? Worse than the bizarre credits that tell you twice what the name of the movie is and who directed it?
Sure it can. Without further ado, I give you several still-to-come lowlights of the summer season.
ALL THE BOYS LOVE MANDY LANE Still She’s All That with murder. Bonus points for appearing on this list two years in a row. Will it come out this time? Inquiring minds remain apathetic.
FINAL DESTINATION: DEATH TRIP 3D When some kids fail to die in a racecar disaster, Death gets pissy with ‘em. Lather, rinse, repeat — now with 3D!
G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA Could you hold back the laughter when you saw this trailer the first time? How about the second or third? I think it was the third time when I turned to my moviegoing companion and asked, in all seriousness, “Can we get drunk and watch this?” To be fair, G.I. Joe has a few things going for it: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (Lost’s Mr. Eko) and Christopher “Villainous Blood Runs In My Veins” Eccleston. I feel bad for listing only dudes, but I can’t quite take Sienna Miller seriously when she’s wearing what look like plastic goggle-glasses, and all I’ve seen Scarlett (Rachel Nichols) do is get painted green and giggle with Captain Hot Stuff Kirk in Star Trek. OK, she was also on Alias. I have yet to get attached. I hold out hope.
G-FORCE Because the ridiculous guinea pig in Bedtime Stories wasn’t stupid enough. But wait! These are specially trained guinea pigs, saving the world! What do you bet the person who thought that up makes more money than you and I combined and multiplied by 10? It makes me disproportionately sad that Sam Rockwell, whom I usually think can do no wrong (keep an eye out for the fantastic-looking Moon), provides a voice for one of the pigs.
THE PROPOSAL High-powered publishing executive Sandra Bullock bullies put-upon assistant Ryan Reynolds into getting engaged to her so her Canadian ass can stay in the U.S. I suspect this movie thinks it’s rather clever for making the woman the ball-buster and the man the coffee-fetcher. Because we’ve never seen that before. In ths spirit of its inanity, let me suggest one reason to watch: a scantily clad Ryan Reynolds, who provided a brief bright spot in Wolverine and charmed, oddly, in Adventureland. Van Wilder, is that really you?
THE UGLY TRUTH is that even a total chauvinistic jackass can apparently get the girl if he looks like Gerard Butler. — Molly Templeton