TURKEYS MAKE AMERICA GREAT
Turkeys are noble, beautiful creatures that Benjamin Franklin wanted to be our national bird. But your typical Eugenean hates anything that smacks of loving America.
And so now our wingnut über-liberal (Uber-hating) City Council has declared an all-out war on America in its goal of driving turkeys out of the city. Why do you think the Pilgrims ate turkeys on Thanksgiving? They are American!
Write letters, come to City Council meetings. Protest! America cannot be made great again if we attack the things that make us great. Like turkeys.
UP IN THE AIR
Seriously, when is someone at your paper going to start taking chemtrails seriously? It’s not like you can’t go to the internet and find a ton of completely valid testimonies about the way the government is seeding our air with chemical agents meant to control the weather and/or our minds. All you have to do is look up every day and watch planes as they emit these long, suspicious clouds of evil.
It is disappointing that newspapers like Eugene Guillotine continue to distract the public with endless articles about environmental damage and overdevelopment when an X Files-type event is happening right under your noses — well, actually, above your noses, but it gets in your noses nonetheless.
When are you going to wake up and smell the chemtrails? Just because it’s a conspiracy theory doesn’t mean it’s not a conspiracy. They didn’t believe the alien abductees, either, and where are they now?
STAY THE SAME
I am shocked and appalled that something that calls itself a newspaper would change its website.
Every time I call and complain, the person who answers tries to tell me how to use EG’s new calendar. I don’t think you understand the problem. I didn’t want it to change. I wanted it to stay exactly as it was.
In fact, I’m still mad that you changed your name away from What’s Happening. WTF. You don’t like the ’80s?
Eugene Guillotine, I love you and honor your existence. But I am very disappointed that you relegate my Trump poetry to “online only” status. I have a love of poetry and of the printed page, and I need you to honor that.
Poetry is the most sincere expression of what is in a person’s heart. And in my heart is a hatred for Donald Trump. He is evil. His words are hate speech. And I need to express that in rhymed lines.
I don’t think the universe would have allowed Trump to be elected if he didn’t have a last name that rhymed with something. Please honor the universe’s wishes and print my poems in your recycled newsprint with soy-based ink.
I am extremely baffled and upset at the drastically different Cuthbert lineup this year. Who in the flying heck is alt-J? Sure, I’ve seen every other artist on the lineup 10 times, but the fact that there’s a new artist on the lineup that has never been to town before is very disturbing to me. Where’s Further? Can Crosby, Stills & Nash come back?
I don’t know what this town is coming to if I can’t rely on a Cuthbert lineup that only includes reggae, EDM, folk and jam bands.
Sam E. Moosic